IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performance for general public. Do you agree or disagree?

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Today we have plenty of professional
arts
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 and
sports
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 which are growing day by day. A lot of them have become so popular in recent years. A dispute has arisen on the basis of spending
money
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 by the government to support the development of
sports
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 and
art
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 in school for the
students
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 rather than fostering professional
sports
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 and
art
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 performance. In
this
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 essay, we will discuss about it.
To begin
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 with, encouraging the young generation, especially from schools has its own benefits. Starting with discipline, kids who possess a higher interest in
sports
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 tend to be smarter compared to the rest.
However
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, there are a lot of
children
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 who go unrecognized with talent
due to
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 the lack of financial support. Eradication of financial issues creates
children
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 with talent in
arts
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 and
sports
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 to focus on their abilities
thus
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 creating international
as well as
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 Olympic players in the country. One major reason parents aren'
t
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 supportive is that the majority of them fall into middle-class or lower-middle-class families making their parents
to
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apply
show examples
cope with their current life situation.
This
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 can be changed by implementing the idea of providing funds by the government to schools to nurture the talents of
children
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.
Additionally
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, A survey conducted by the University of Harvard found that
,
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apply
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 a wide range of
students
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 don'
t
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 follow their passion for
arts
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 and
sports
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 because of their financially low backgrounds. It can be removed if they are supplied with the right resources.
On the other hand
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, supporting professional
sports
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 and
art
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 performances for the general public is good in one way.
However
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, it doesn'
t
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 give a value or accreditation that can be received by the success of
children
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 who worked hard to achieve victory in their lives by focusing on their talents.
Furthermore
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, providing a certain amount of
money
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 for visual happiness is not a necessity.
Besides
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, professional
arts
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 and
sports
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 performances are always enriched with sponsors but that won'
t
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 be the case for poor
children
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 who are exerting to follow their interests. An article presented by the Times of India mentioned
students
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 who were qualified for state level lacked amenities like the right
sports
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 shoes and other accessories.
This
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 makes the public frustrated to raise a question about authorities spending
money
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 on unnecessary things! In conclusion, I completely agree with the statement that the government should spend
money
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 to encourage the development of
sports
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 and
art
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 for school
students
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, rather than supporting professional
sports
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 and
art
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 performances for the general public.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument and provides relevant examples to support your points, but you could enhance your task achievement by being more precise in your language and ensuring your points are deeply analyzed.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is good, but it could be improved with more clear and distinct paragraphs. Try to ensure that each paragraph has a single focus and transitions smoothly to the next point.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is effective and sets up the discussion well.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant examples that help to illustrate your points, such as the survey by Harvard University and the article by the Times of India.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • physical health
  • creativity
  • teamwork skills
  • nurture young talents
  • excel
  • healthy lifestyle
  • cultural appreciation
  • extracurricular activities
  • socio-economic background
  • social inequality
  • profit-driven
  • allocated funds
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