IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performance for general public. Do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #development #sport #art #school #students #sports #performance
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Today we have plenty of professional
arts
Use synonyms
 and
sports
Use synonyms
 which are growing day by day. A lot of them have become so popular in recent years. A dispute has arisen on the basis of spending
money
Use synonyms
 by the government to support the development of
sports
Use synonyms
 and
art
Use synonyms
 in school for the
students
Use synonyms
 rather than fostering professional
sports
Use synonyms
 and
art
Use synonyms
 performance. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, we will discuss about it.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, encouraging the young generation, especially from schools has its own benefits. Starting with discipline, kids who possess a higher interest in
sports
Use synonyms
 tend to be smarter compared to the rest.
However
Linking Words
, there are a lot of
children
Use synonyms
 who go unrecognized with talent
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of financial support. Eradication of financial issues creates
children
Use synonyms
 with talent in
arts
Use synonyms
 and
sports
Use synonyms
 to focus on their abilities
thus
Linking Words
 creating international
as well as
Linking Words
 Olympic players in the country. One major reason parents aren'
t
Use synonyms
 supportive is that the majority of them fall into middle-class or lower-middle-class families making their parents
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
cope with their current life situation.
This
Linking Words
 can be changed by implementing the idea of providing funds by the government to schools to nurture the talents of
children
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, A survey conducted by the University of Harvard found that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 a wide range of
students
Use synonyms
 don'
t
Use synonyms
 follow their passion for
arts
Use synonyms
 and
sports
Use synonyms
 because of their financially low backgrounds. It can be removed if they are supplied with the right resources.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, supporting professional
sports
Use synonyms
 and
art
Use synonyms
 performances for the general public is good in one way.
However
Linking Words
, it doesn'
t
Use synonyms
 give a value or accreditation that can be received by the success of
children
Use synonyms
 who worked hard to achieve victory in their lives by focusing on their talents.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, providing a certain amount of
money
Use synonyms
 for visual happiness is not a necessity.
Besides
Linking Words
, professional
arts
Use synonyms
 and
sports
Use synonyms
 performances are always enriched with sponsors but that won'
t
Use synonyms
 be the case for poor
children
Use synonyms
 who are exerting to follow their interests. An article presented by the Times of India mentioned
students
Use synonyms
 who were qualified for state level lacked amenities like the right
sports
Use synonyms
 shoes and other accessories.
This
Linking Words
 makes the public frustrated to raise a question about authorities spending
money
Use synonyms
 on unnecessary things! In conclusion, I completely agree with the statement that the government should spend
money
Use synonyms
 to encourage the development of
sports
Use synonyms
 and
art
Use synonyms
 for school
students
Use synonyms
, rather than supporting professional
sports
Use synonyms
 and
art
Use synonyms
 performances for the general public.
Submitted by praneeth2094 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument and provides relevant examples to support your points, but you could enhance your task achievement by being more precise in your language and ensuring your points are deeply analyzed.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is good, but it could be improved with more clear and distinct paragraphs. Try to ensure that each paragraph has a single focus and transitions smoothly to the next point.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is effective and sets up the discussion well.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant examples that help to illustrate your points, such as the survey by Harvard University and the article by the Times of India.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • physical health
  • creativity
  • teamwork skills
  • nurture young talents
  • excel
  • healthy lifestyle
  • cultural appreciation
  • extracurricular activities
  • socio-economic background
  • social inequality
  • profit-driven
  • allocated funds
What to do next:
Look at other essays: