Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Other people think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both side and give your opinion

In recent years, an increasing number of
individuals
in wealthy countries have been grappling with health problems stemming from
obesity
. Among these
individuals
, the escalating rate of overweight youths has emerged as a critical issue. In my view, the
government
shoulders the primary responsibility for
this
problem, rather than
parents
. In the following sections, I will present a comprehensive discussion. First and foremost, certain
individuals
argue that a child's
obesity
is the parent's fault, asserting that
parents
are not adequately caring for their offspring or that they are overindulging them.
However
, it is important to recognize that some
parents
make considerable efforts to acquire as much information as possible to improve their child's health,
while
others cannot afford
such
time and energy
due to
financial constraints. As children are unable to select their
parents
, it is during school that teachers and peers can provide them with essential knowledge.
Moreover
, socioeconomic status does not emerge as a significant factor in
this
issue. As society progresses, an increasing number of people have come to expect instant gratification of their desires through local convenience stores, which can easily contribute to
obesity
. In Japan,
for instance
, medical expenses are primarily covered by the
government
.
Consequently
, as
individuals
become more obese, the
government
must allocate additional tax revenues to address the health problems associated with
obesity
.
Therefore
, both municipal and local governments should implement measures
such
as education for children, working adults, and expectant mothers to mitigate the financial burden of medical issues in our society. In summary,
although
some
individuals
maintain that childhood
obesity
is the responsibility of
parents
, it is actually a societal issue that requires collective action. It is incumbent upon all of us, including the
government
, to consider the future of our society and establish educational programs to foster the development of competent citizens in the near future.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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coherence cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph sticks to one main point or idea to improve clarity.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure relevance and answer the specific parts of the prompt more directly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which helps in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion of both perspectives on the issue.
coherence cohesion
You expressed clear and comprehensive ideas regarding the role of the government and parents in child obesity.

Fully explain your ideas

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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