Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Other people think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both side and give your opinion

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In recent years, an increasing number of
individuals
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in wealthy countries have been grappling with health problems stemming from
obesity
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. Among these
individuals
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, the escalating rate of overweight youths has emerged as a critical issue. In my view, the
government
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shoulders the primary responsibility for
this
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problem, rather than
parents
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. In the following sections, I will present a comprehensive discussion. First and foremost, certain
individuals
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argue that a child's
obesity
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is the parent's fault, asserting that
parents
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are not adequately caring for their offspring or that they are overindulging them.
However
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, it is important to recognize that some
parents
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make considerable efforts to acquire as much information as possible to improve their child's health,
while
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others cannot afford
such
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time and energy
due to
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financial constraints. As children are unable to select their
parents
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, it is during school that teachers and peers can provide them with essential knowledge.
Moreover
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, socioeconomic status does not emerge as a significant factor in
this
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issue. As society progresses, an increasing number of people have come to expect instant gratification of their desires through local convenience stores, which can easily contribute to
obesity
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. In Japan,
for instance
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, medical expenses are primarily covered by the
government
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.
Consequently
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, as
individuals
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become more obese, the
government
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must allocate additional tax revenues to address the health problems associated with
obesity
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.
Therefore
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, both municipal and local governments should implement measures
such
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as education for children, working adults, and expectant mothers to mitigate the financial burden of medical issues in our society. In summary,
although
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some
individuals
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maintain that childhood
obesity
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is the responsibility of
parents
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, it is actually a societal issue that requires collective action. It is incumbent upon all of us, including the
government
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, to consider the future of our society and establish educational programs to foster the development of competent citizens in the near future.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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coherence cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph sticks to one main point or idea to improve clarity.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure relevance and answer the specific parts of the prompt more directly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which helps in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion of both perspectives on the issue.
coherence cohesion
You expressed clear and comprehensive ideas regarding the role of the government and parents in child obesity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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