IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #retirement #age #work
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In many parts of the world, the
age
 at which individuals retire from work has been increased. The writer argues the benefit of
skills
 utilization is eclipsed by the downsides of
health
problems
 and
limit
Correct article usage
the limit
show examples
 on
jobs
Change the noun form
job
show examples
 opportunities for young
jobseekers
Correct your spelling
job seekers
show examples
. First and foremost, raising the retirement
age
 can be problematic to some extent. One major drawback is the potential
health
problems
 among older workers.
In other words
, they often face numerous
health
 issues that make continuing work more arduous and challenging.
For example
, older employees in physically demanding jobs may experience more frequent injuries and chronic
health
problems
, leading to reduced productivity and increased healthcare costs.
Furthermore
, limits on job opportunities must be considered.
This
 is because when older workers remain in their positions longer, there are fewer vacancies for younger individuals entering the workforce.
This
 situation can lead to higher unemployment rates among youth, exacerbating economic challenges for
this
 demographic.
Moreover
, the elderly often are stayed longer by managers or bosses
due to
 the fact that they increase creativity and inspiration in the workplace. An illustrative example is the technology sector, where younger workers may struggle to find entry-level positions
due to
 the extended careers of older professionals.
On the other hand
, extending the retirement
age
 offers notable advantages. One crucial perk is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
skill utilization as they can have various valuable experiences, thoughts and
skills
 that can bring benefits to organizations and
also
 the national economy. Their continued works mean that these
skills
 are not lost and be passed to younger generations.
However
,
this
 may be true but the world is always changed and developed so these
skills
 are outdated and unnecessary in the workplace. In conclusion, older employees do not play a vital role than they did in the past.
Thus
, increasing the retirement
age
 brings more disadvantages of
health
problems
 and limits on job opportunities for the youth than the benefit of skill utilization in the workplace.

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph directly relates to your argument and supports the main thesis. While the essay presents both sides of the argument, ensure the examples provided directly support the main points more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a clear and consistent line of reasoning throughout the essay. Ensure that transitions between paragraphs and sentences are smooth, which will help in maintaining logical structure.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which helps in framing the argument and closing it effectively.
complete response
The essay states a clear position that raising the retirement age may pose more drawbacks than benefits. This is helpful in maintaining a focused argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • pension systems
  • financial pressure
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • retirement savings
  • skills and knowledge transfer
  • job opportunities
  • health challenges
  • work-life balance
  • societal resistance
  • burnout
  • productivity
  • well-being
What to do next:
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