IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Sports programmes are very popular on television nowadays. Some people argue that those programmes are the reasons for poor health of many young people as the prefer to watch sports rather than partake in them. Do you agree or disagree with this view ?

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Sports
Use synonyms
 programs are excessively aired on television. Many individuals support the notion that watching
sports
Use synonyms
 on TV contributes to youngsters showing reluctance to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
;
however
Linking Words
, I hold the conviction that mental health can be a vital feature that leads people to stay motivated to do
sports
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, supporters of
this
Linking Words
 belief point out that doing
exercise
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 and experiencing excitement can
similarly
Linking Words
 release hormones of happiness into the body. It means that, if a person aims to achieve
this
Linking Words
 feeling, he should be physically active.
Therefore
Linking Words
, audiences of
sports
Use synonyms
 on television get excited and their bodies' demands for happiness hormones are satisfied;
consequently
Linking Words
, they will lose their interest in physical activities. In the United States,
for instance
Linking Words
, a survey conducted in 2023 showed that 40 per cent of younger generations reported they had a high level of excitement watching
sports
Use synonyms
 programs on TV and
therefore
Linking Words
 they did not consider it required to do
exercise
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 to get a feeling of cheerfulness and thrill.
Conversely
Linking Words
, opponents of
this
Linking Words
 idea refer to the fact that there are more determining factors that might be effective in people's
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
 towards being physically active.
In other words
Linking Words
, mental health and
time
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 are thought to be more serious deterrent reasons. A depressed person,
for instance
Linking Words
, struggles with some internal and mental problems, which make him physically
fatigue
Wrong verb form
fatigued
show examples
 and unable to have a routine for doing
exercise
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. An individual who is
also
Linking Words
 forced to work eight hours a day, will not be able to dedicate enough
time
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 to staying active.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, watching
sports
Use synonyms
 on TV has nothing to do with
this
Linking Words
 group of people's motivation to function physically. Let us take the UK as an example, where 60 per cent of those who are not at an appropriate fitness level, blamed their
time
Use synonyms
 limitation as the main reason for their laziness and underactivity. In conclusion, after taking the aforementioned points into consideration, I am inclined to believe that,
although
Linking Words
 lower levels of physical activity are
due to
Linking Words
 the increased broadcast of
sports
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 programs, more remarkable factors encompassing lack of
time
Use synonyms
 and mental health should be known as reasons for decreasing fitness activities.

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task achievement
While the essay provides a solid response to the prompt, it could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly link back to the task. Ensure each paragraph begins with a concise point that is then expanded upon with examples and details.
coherence cohesion
Try to smooth the transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Some of the points, though relevant, seem slightly disjointed. Utilizing more transitional phrases can help in creating a more fluid and coherent piece.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with examples. However, varying the sentence structures and integrating more diverse vocabulary can elevate the overall cohesion of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides a balanced argument with relevant examples to support the points made.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly sets up the topic, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and presents a final opinion.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear logical flow in the progression of ideas, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument presented.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical activity
  • viewership
  • partake
  • health repercussions
  • screen time
  • role models
  • inspiration
  • motivation
  • advances in broadcasting
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • lifestyle choices
  • awareness campaigns
  • community sports programs
  • balance
  • engage in sports
  • influence
  • physical engagement
  • sports celebrities
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