IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Everyone should stay in school until they reach the age of 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school #age
It is argued that everyone should spend all of their time on education until they are mature.
This
 writer agrees with
this
 statement because of successful careers and better life quality. It must be considered that study is the fastest way to succeed.
In other words
, going to school helps children achieve more knowledge, so they can pass the exam and do their favourite careers in the future.
Moreover
, people who have university degrees can be employed easily by companies and businesses.
Therefore
, individuals can have well-paid careers and look after their family members. Take Samsung as a prime example, that company only hire labourers who hold diplomas of good grades, so that they can ensure the quality of work is always good.
However
, some people believe that entertainment and relaxation should be involved
due to
 the stress when they study.
This
 may be true, but education is still the priority. It must be understood that residents could have good profiles for their work if they studied hard and achieved high scores in their exams. What is more, graduates from well-known universities can be the targets for large companies.
As a consequence
, they can earn a huge amount of money and reach higher positions in their jobs. From prior knowledge, graduates from Foreign Trade University are the priority in the selection of many large industries. In conclusion, the idea of studying until 18 has a lot of benefits.
Additionally
, students can get good jobs in the future by concentrating on education.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs. However, ensure each paragraph contains only one main idea. For instance, merge the points about achieving high scores and getting good jobs into separate paragraphs for clarity.
task achievement
Expand on your arguments with more diverse examples. You mainly mentioned company employment and university graduates. Include other aspects like personal development or societal benefits for a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and align well with your argument, providing a consistent stance throughout the essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples such as Samsung and Foreign Trade University, which effectively supported your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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