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Band 6.5

Some people say that the extinction of species is the main environmental problem that we are facing in modern times. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#people #extinction #species #times
It is thought by a selection of individuals that in
this
 contemporary time, the primary environmental issue that people encounter is the
extinction
 of creatures in the world. From my perspective, I strongly agree with
this
 matter and my supporting reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching my conclusion. At the outset, there are several drawbacks to
this
 problem contributing to the environment and one of the most significant is that it leads to other problems. To elaborate
further
, some creatures control other animals' populations and
therefore
 the ecosystem becomes out of balance.
Moreover
, there will be an invasion of other
species
 from outer areas which will destroy the original environment. An apt illustration, we can see
this
 with the
extinction
 of the coyote in Australia, after those animals extinct, the number of kangaroos dramatically rocketed up;
consequently
, poachers went to those areas and tried to poach, taking kangaroos parts to sell in the dark market.
Besides
, these hunters cut many trees to build their homes and settled in those areas, making
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 number of trees in our world
dropped
Wrong verb form
drop
show examples
 significantly.
Additionally
, another clear downside is studying. To explain in greater detail, researchers cannot find out about the mysteries of some extinct
species
 which are sometimes can be useful for mankind.
Furthermore
, doing research on these animals can be the only solution to protect other
species
 of them which are
also
 on the brink of
extinction
. To specifically demonstrate,
last
 month, I read an article about how to remedy an ailment caused by a virus and the article said that there was a serum that could only extracted from one of the Japanese turtles that was already extinct and
hence
 there are no ways to cure the disease.
In addition
, the reasons why
this
 wildlife disappeared are still unsolved and it could lead to other
species
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 close to
this
 one, becoming extinct. All in all,
it is clear that
 the
extinction
 of creatures is the main cause of issues in our society. From my point of view, I agree with
this
 idea as it can bring a lot of consequences
as well as
 negative effects on studying other wildlife that can be useful to the world.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and includes relevant examples to support your arguments. However, ensure all examples fully align with the points they illustrate.
coherence cohesion
Work on maintaining a clear structure within paragraphs; each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are effective, try varying sentence structures and vocabulary for better fluency.
introduction
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument, and the conclusion nicely wraps up your points.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt directly and provided a thorough response, which demonstrates your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The examples you used are relevant and help to elucidate your points clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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