IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe what children watch on TV influences their behavior. Some say it's the amount of time watching television that influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #tv #influences #behavior #say #amount #time #television
Recently, television is becoming an important device that many
people
 need to entertain so
people
 think that what
children
 see on the
TV
 affects their character,
while
 others believe that it’s the number of hours watching television which influences their personality. Personally, I agree with the first point of view.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons why many
people
 say that the topic
that is
 presented on
TV
 affects
children
. One of the first reasons is that
children
 tend to imitate what captivates them on
TV
.
Moreover
,
TV
 programmes will form
children’s
 way of perspectives.
For instance
, there are many
children’s
 programmes
such
 as Disney movies about princesses' lives, which
children
 emulate, and affect the
children
's spirits.
On the other hand
, many
people
 believe that the amount of
time
 watching
TV
 is the reason that influences their behaviour. The justification is that screen
time
 has a correlation with a sedentary lifestyle, which has adverse effects on
children’s
 character, making them vulnerable to mental problems
such
 as anxiety, and depression.
However
,
children
 do not need a long
time
 to mimic something news like movies that are depicted on the television so
time
 spent watching
TV
 does not have much effect on the
children
. In conclusion,
while
 many
people
 think that what
children
 see on
TV
 is the reason that affects
children’s
 personalities most, others believe that
time
 spent watching
TV
 is the one. I am personally convinced with the first opinion.
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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, which is excellent! To further improve your essay, consider adding more relevant specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, but make sure to elaborate slightly more on each point for clarity. This will make your arguments even more convincing.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is logically structured, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance coherence. This can be achieved by using more linking words or phrases that connect your ideas seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are generally well-supported, but make sure to provide more detailed explanations or examples where possible.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views as required by the task, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your writing generally flows well and maintains logical structure, which makes it easy for readers to follow your arguments.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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