IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people think modern communication technology is having some negative effects on social relationships. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #communication #technology #effects #relationships
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Many are of the opinion that modern
communication
 methods between
people
 have negative implications for social
relationships
. Though ease of access to apps allows
people
 to keep maintaining
relationships
 with
friends
, these connections are not deep and meaningful, which highlights a more substantial drawback of using
communication
 technology. Critics often emphasize the convenience and broader social networking facilitated by modern
communication
 platforms. Apps
such
 as Kakao Talk, Instagram, and Facebook, allow
individuals
 to effortlessly keep in touch with loved ones.
This
 is particularly beneficial for contemporary
people
 leading a hectic lifestyle, packed with tight work schedules. Through social
media
such
 as Instagram,
people
 can see the highlighted events of their
friends
, comment on their pictures, and message through Direct Messages. Beyond personal contacts, the business world
also
 leverages
communication
 technology in which marketers or businessmen instantly and consistently contact their customers, global clients, or other corporations to discuss a large-scale project.
Such
 a phenomenon increases the business contact that fosters globalization.
Nonetheless
, these
communication
 methods can generate superficial
relationships
 between
individuals
,
while
 reducing chances for face-to-face interaction. Paradoxically, as
people
 “effortlessly” see photos or check the daily events of their
friends
 on social
media
 platforms, they increasingly become indifferent to their
friends
. They no longer make plans or make appointments to meet in person, preferring to talk through online chat rooms.
However
, there is a limitation to engaging in deep, meaningful conversations when both parties communicate through messenger apps. It is always hard to show a sense of empathy and understand their friend’s feelings and emotions through texts.
Therefore
, the quality of conversations tends to be shallow, making it difficult for
individuals
 to discuss real concerns,
such
 as life challenges, career paths, and
relationships
 with spouses that deepen friendships. On top of
this
, as
people
 can establish both romantic
relationships
 and friendships easily through social
media
, they no longer value interaction as much. It is undeniably true that social
media
 is designed to promote constant interaction between busy working
people
, but it paradoxically promotes shallow
relationships
.
Individuals
 merely think that they can get into
relationships
 anytime and anywhere they want without making constant efforts.
Overall
,
this
 fosters a sense of isolation and emptiness, which makes the disadvantages more significant.
Submitted by uzookim on

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task achievement
Your essay is quite strong overall, but there is always room for improvement. You might consider providing more specific examples, especially ones that illustrate the emotional or psychological impact of using modern communication tools.
coherence cohesion
While your points are clear and well-supported, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Slightly more varied vocabulary could help in maintaining reader interest.
task achievement
You have a clear and compelling argument that modern communication technology can lead to superficial relationships.
task achievement
Your points are well-supported by relevant examples, such as the specific apps and social media platforms you mention.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure of the essay is very strong, with each paragraph clearly contributing to the overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are effectively utilized to frame and summarize your essay, respectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • face-to-face interactions
  • messaging apps
  • social media
  • non-verbal cues
  • family bonds
  • dependency
  • digital communication
  • superficial relationships
  • cyberbullying
  • online harassment
  • social isolation
  • virtual connections
  • emotional satisfaction
  • real-life interactions
  • technological intrusion
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