IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that manufacturers and shopping malls should sell fewer packaged products while others argue that people have the responsibility to buy products with less packaging. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #manufacturers #malls #products #responsibility
It is sometimes argued that shopping malls and manufacturers should buy more packaged
products
 but many people think that they have the responsibility to sell
products
 without packaging will improve the
environment
 but packaged
products
 are used for necessary situations.
Firstly
, buying
products
 with less packaging will make the
environment
 better and greener than using too much packaging.
Due to the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 packaging made from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
biodegradable
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
paper, it is more friendly to the
environment
 and it
also
 improves
qualities
Correct article usage
the qualities
show examples
 of the atmosphere at a higher level.
For instance
, the ratio pollution in Viet Nam many years ago soared
up at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
high but after using paper packaging and decreasing the
plastic
packages
, the percentage of pollution has gone down.
Additionally
, recycled packing is
also
 a solution to keep the
environment
 better and it is easy to destroy. Turning to the other hand, using packaged
products
 from manufacturers and shopping malls may make the
products
 more beautiful and raise the cost of the items.
Moreover
, packaged
products
 usually
make
Change the form of the verb
made
show examples
 of
plastic
 so they can reused
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
many times and the seller can get more income when
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
used
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 it.
For example
, keep the
plastic
 packaged after going shopping people can use it for contained or recycled even that they can use it for other times going shopping .
This
 point may be true, but buying without
packages
also
 has more benefits than using
Correct article usage
a packaged
show examples
packaged
Replace the word
package
show examples
. In
writer's
Correct article usage
the writer's
show examples
 opinion, no
packages
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 better because residents in the world use
plastic
 packaging and waste it. The
environment
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nowadays needs to be protected and improved by cutting down
plastic
Change preposition
on plastic
show examples
products
. In conclusion, selling fewer
packages
 or
responsible
Add a missing verb
being responsible
show examples
 for buying
products
 with fewer
packages
also
 had benefits and negative impacts. The essay shows that buying with no
packages
 has more
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 for each individual and the
environment

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views, but there needs to be a clearer distinction and more detailed exploration of each argument. For instance, provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Sometimes, the points feel a bit disconnected. Using linking phrases could help to create a more seamless narrative.
structure
The essay has a solid structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This is a good practice.
task achievement
You’ve made a clear attempt to discuss both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive packaging
  • plastic waste
  • environmental impact
  • sustainable production
  • consumption
  • eco-friendly lifestyle
  • raise awareness
  • informed choices
  • personal carbon footprint
  • prioritize environmental sustainability
  • reduce packaging waste
What to do next:
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