IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Global
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption has significantly surged over the past few years,
consequently
Linking Words
, leading to an increase in health problems. To mitigate
this
Linking Words
 issue, many people advocate that drinks and food
products
Use synonyms
 that contain high
sugar
Use synonyms
 levels should be made more expensive. I strongly concur with the suggestion as I believe that high costs would discourage people from buying
such
Linking Words
products
Use synonyms
. In recent years, we have observed an increase in snacking culture leading to various health problems. Empirical evidence from various studies proves that diseases
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and diabetes have substantially increased,
furthermore
Linking Words
, the statistics show that the main cause of
this
Linking Words
 rise is poor eating habits and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle. To overcome
this
Linking Words
 challenge, reducing
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake is paramount, and the most effective way to do so is to make it less easily available by increasing the
prices
Use synonyms
. Increasing
prices
Use synonyms
 will make these
products
Use synonyms
 less affordable, decreasing consumption.
However
Linking Words
, high
prices
Use synonyms
 alone would not be efficient, the introduction of low-
sugar
Use synonyms
 alternatives at lower
prices
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 necessary.
For instance
Linking Words
, the Coca-Cola company introduced Diet
Coke
Use synonyms
, but it was a little more expensive than regular
Coke
Use synonyms
, so the majority of individuals preferred to continue drinking regular
Coke
Use synonyms
 as it was cost-effective. A survey was done, and the conclusion suggested that if Diet
Coke
Use synonyms
 was cheaper, more consumers would be motivated to purchase it. In conclusion, there is a dire need to bring some changes to control global
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption, as health problems are skyrocketing. The most important step is to make the
products
Use synonyms
 with high
sugar
Use synonyms
 levels less affordable to the general public, so they have to think twice before purchasing them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, introducing healthier
products
Use synonyms
 at cheaper
prices
Use synonyms
 would encourage people to make better choices.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure you explicitly state your viewpoint in the introduction. This will make your essay's argument clearer from the beginning.
task achievement
While your points are generally well-supported, including more varied examples or evidence could strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
You could improve the flow between paragraphs with clearer transitional phrases. This will help readers follow your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
You effectively articulated your stance and provided relevant points to support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are strong, clearly stating your position and summarizing your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with each paragraph building on your central argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: