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Band 7

Nowadays, international tourism is the biggest industry in the world. Unfortunately, international tourism creates tension rather than understanding between people from different cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#tourism #industry #world #tension #people #cultures
It is suggested that
instead
 of bridging chasms between different cultures, global tourism has, in fact, created wider rifts.
While
 the statement may be true to some extent, visiting other countries remains the most effective way to dissolve stereotypical opinions. First of all, it is undeniable that preconceptions are often compounded by the behaviour demonstrated by many tourists, and there are multiple examples proving
this
 point.
For instance
, Chinese tourists have a notorious reputation for being chaotic in public areas and disrespectful towards other religions,
such
 as the shameful incident of a Chinese tourist craving characters on the Wailing Wall in Israel, which sparked an international outcry.
Such
 ill-mannered acts done by visitors worsened local residents’ impressions of not just those individuals but
also
 the nation they represented. In
this
 way, the host country became hostile, and the foreign travellers who sensed the unfriendliness responded with the same bitterness.
However
, it is
also
 true that the majority have converted their discriminatory thoughts to sincere admiration through travel. Take the example of myself. After visiting many Islamic nations, namely Oman, the UAE, and Jordan, and being surprised by the hosts’ congeniality, my once utterly lopsided opinions about the Arab world changed enormously, despite occasional unhappy moments, and I started to learn more about Islamic culture and society, trying to reformulate a fairer view.
Furthermore
, the same happened to
a great deal of
Change the quantifier
a lot of
many
plenty of
show examples
 people who held similar beliefs as mine—that only by immersing ourselves in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
culture could we understand it better. That said,
although
 challenges exist, tourists can still learn a lot from dissimilar cultures and rectify their existing misunderstandings.
To conclude
, even though there are numerous cases telling us that international tourism is capable of generating resentment, we shall not ignore the more conspicuous advantages that travel brings to the world.
Submitted by yanjinru0827 on

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coherence cohesion
To reach higher scores in coherence and cohesion, ensure that each main idea in the body paragraphs is effectively linked with clear transition phrases. While your essay has a logical structure, some sentences could be better connected to ensure a smoother flow of ideas.
task achievement
Consider presenting more balanced counterarguments and addressing them to show a comprehensive examination of the topic. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding and strengthen your task achievement score.
task achievement
To enhance clarity, ensure that your sentences are concise and avoid overly complex structures. Vary your sentence structures to maintain the reader's interest and demonstrate your language proficiency.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples to support your points is excellent, particularly with the well-detailed incident involving Chinese tourists and your personal experience in Islamic countries.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively written, presenting a clear stance and summarizing the essay well.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's logical structure is well-maintained, and the main points are supported with relevant examples, making your arguments convincing and focused.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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