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Band 4.5

Nowadays, private companies spend more money on scientific research more than governments. Do you think its advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#companies #money #research #governments
Presently, individual firms prefer to extend their business to increase their profit so that, they spend a lot of money on scientific investigations
instead
 of,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
.
While
 there are some drawbacks of personal companies getting better, I still believe that these cannot overshadow the benefits. On the one hand, there are several merits of extending business with academic research.
Initially
, when personal industries, support the projects so that, these companies access more occupations positions
then
, more people can find jobs in
other word
Change the wording
another word
other words
show examples
, they have income. Meanwhile, these companies’ turnover rising too much.
Secondly
, the private
manufactures
Correct your spelling
manufacturers
show examples
 surf to improve their goods and way of the supplies, and have been producing less pollution.
Therefore
,
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 have been helping
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 to become
more clear
Correct word choice
clearer
show examples
.
On the other hand
, the downsides of investigations are varied. If the companies
are reduced
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
 pollution,
thereafter
 they must not pay a lot of tax.
As a result
, the governments leave their fun
furthermore
, they have to choose other income.
In addition
, they do not accept
government
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 because they are so massive and they have their own rule and unfortunately, they
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
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the
countries
Change noun form
country's
show examples
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
. To illustrate, in
Iran
Add a comma
Iran,
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 the private refineries are the best
factory
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factories
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 for
refine
Change the verb form
refining
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 oil. They have
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 and don’t accept the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 cost for gasoline
due to
 the fact that they have special prices. In conclusion, it appears to me that the demerits of company
improvments
Correct your spelling
improvements
 cannot eclipse the benefits. Notwithstanding,
this
happened
Verb problem
apply
show examples
will be not good for
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
, but it has some advantages for inhabitants.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Pay close attention to the logical flow and coherence of your arguments. Some ideas can be better organized and linked for smoother transitions.
Task Achievement
Work on developing more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments. This can make your points more convincing and detailed.
Task Achievement
Strive for more clarity in your ideas. Some sentences are confusing and can be rephrased for better comprehension.
Task Achievement
The essay presents both advantages and disadvantages, maintaining a balanced view throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clearly present, framing the discussion effectively.
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