IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Globalization has connected societies, but it has also raised concerns about cultural homogenization. Discuss the impacts of globalization on cultural identity and ways to preserve cultural diversity in a globalized

#globalization #societies #concerns #homogenization #impacts #identity #diversity
Nowadays,
globalization
 dominates many aspects
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 citizens’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 widely,
while
 it brings a significant worry about cultural homogeneity in the world. There are some effects and solutions to
this
 issue which I will explain here. One of the
impact
Change to a plural noun
impacts
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 issue is that
globalization
 can erase a local character. It is because Interaction from many communities
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 more intense because easy information access from outside can enter without being fully filtered.
For instance
, fashion
trends
 from Korea influence the fashion
mode
Correct your spelling
model
show examples
trends
 in the world. These
trends
 are very popular in many generations. As a consequence, traditional clothes are not considered as interesting as Korean
trends
.
In addition
, universal culture cultural can change
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 to become more consumptive. The rapid
globalization
 forces a nation to follow industry development. It is because more and more people have high living costs
such
 as buying
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 every season, changing electronics regularly and adding new vehicles.
On the other hand
, collaborating with brands that dominate global
trends
 by local brands is one of the efforts. Giving the opportunity to show their creativity is an important role
to maintain
Change preposition
in maintaining
show examples
 local culture.
For example
,
last
 year, the Solo
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 held an international batik event in Paris by hiring international artists to be able to expose Indonesian works to the world.
As a result
, many artists and societies know well one of Indonesian traditional clothes.
Finally
, limiting global
trends
 can decrease the expenditure of citizens. Using the goods as necessary is the best way to solve it.
for
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 we should not replace mobile phones every year. In conclusion, the consequence of increasingly rapid
globalization
 is to eliminate local culture including spending high living costs
according to
trends
.
Nevertheless
, These can be solved by
collaboration
Replace the word
collaborating
show examples
 on local products with global brands and limiting the budget limiting of living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
.
Submitted by k a l l a on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents a clear and comprehensive response to the task, discussing both the impacts of globalization on cultural identity and ways to preserve cultural diversity. However, it sometimes lacks clarity due to minor grammatical issues and awkward phrasing. Work on improving sentence structure and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, you could improve the cohesion by using more varied transition words and phrases. Ensure each paragraph logically follows from the preceding one.
task achievement
The points you make are relevant and supported by examples. To strengthen your arguments, try to integrate more detailed examples and elaborate on how they specifically relate to the points being made.
task achievement
You identify and explain multiple impacts of globalization on cultural identity, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay, including a clear introduction and conclusion, helps in understanding the flow of your ideas.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the international batik event in Paris, effectively illustrate your points and add depth to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: