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Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can harmful for children. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #children #work
Many individuals worldwide believe doing a paid job at a very young age is profitable for
kids
. Others,
however
, argue that
children
 could be harmed
while
 working. In my opinion, I consider that the drawbacks are overshadowed by the benefits of being employed when young. Despite the disadvantages below, I believe the advantages of working young are useful for their future.
Firstly
, working for
money
 as
kids
 helps them become mature sooner. By doing jobs, not only their mind but
also
 their body are enhanced. In fact, many
children
 who
work
 when they are young are believed to be more independent and to have the ability
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
emphathize
Correct your spelling
empathise
 and communicate with parents better than common, which partly shows that they become more mature.
Secondly
, another benefit of
children
 doing paid
work
 is that they can be more economical. It is certain that working at a very young age
educate
Correct subject-verb agreement
educates
show examples
kids
 about the importance
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money
.
As a result
, they will realise that only by working hard, they can earn
money
, which makes them appreciate cash more.
Therefore
, it is beneficial for
children
 to
work
 for
money
. Admittedly, there are more problems
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
 happen when
kids
 do paid
work
. One of the issues is they are too young to
work
. In fact, there are not so many paid jobs that a kid can handle well. They can easily screw everything up if they do not carefully, which
consequently
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 harm
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not only
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 but
also
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
around
Correct pronoun usage
around them
show examples
. Another problem is
children
 working for
money
 can be
take
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 advantage
as
Change preposition
of as
show examples
 a kind of child abuse by bad guys.
According to
 many famous newspapers, in many developing countries,
kids
 are often forced to make
money
 despite they are still really young. Unfortunately, over 45% of people who take advantage of
children
 to get
money
 are their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 by statistics.
Although
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
 managed to tackle
this
 serious problem, the methods are ineffective. It is sure that more
kids
 are still getting in trouble even
there
Correct word choice
though there
show examples
 are many international rights and laws to protect them.
Thus
, it is harmful for
children
 to have a paid job. In conclusion, I believe that paid
work
 can bring more benefits for
children
 compared to any disadvantages it might bring.
Submitted by mizh.nguyen on

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task achievement
To strengthen the task response, elaborate more specifically on how the benefits of young people working outweigh the drawbacks with concrete examples that support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your arguments are seamlessly connected, and make use of a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the constructing sentences to avoid minor grammatical errors, as this will ensure your message is conveyed more clearly and effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion that effectively address the prompt.
task achievement
The author successfully provides a balanced view by acknowledging both the advantages and disadvantages of children doing paid work.
task achievement
The essay contains some strong and clear points supporting the idea that paid work can be beneficial for children, showing depth of thought.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • beneficial
  • harmful
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • financial independence
  • responsibility
  • valuable skills
  • impact
  • education
  • exploitation
  • negative effects
  • social life
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