IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that studying for a university degree us better for an individual's career than gaining work experience immediately after high school. To what extend do you agree with this statement?

#people #university #career #work #school
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A
university
degree
 is considered to be an important aspect
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 supporting a career, rather than working right after
graduate
Change the verb form
graduating
show examples
 from high school.
I and
Correct pronoun usage
And
show examples
 some people are those who are agree with the importance of gaining a
university
degree
 immediately after graduation. Based on a book of Grit, It was stated that perseverance is one of the keys to a successful career.
However
, to reach a certain point in work life, one must
also
 have credibility which can be gained by a
university
degree
. By studying in college, an individual will add more relevant knowledge about the industry that they have been focusing on.
Additionally
, one can obtain a wider network
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 fellow
university
 students and lecturers.
For example
, a person who knows more people can have more opportunities in the future.
On the other hand
, when students work immediately after high school they will gain practical experiences which can be useful to establish a career. But it will not deepen their resources whatsoever. Employers nowadays are looking for a potential employee who does not just have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good experience, but
also
 someone who has useful knowledge about the industry which hopefully can contribute to the
organization
Change noun form
organization's
show examples
 success. To summarize, students need to have a
university
degree
 before they go into the practical world.
Although
 it is good to have experience, it is more important for the current world to first have a credible
degree
.
Submitted by jermias.darondo89 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction should be clearer and more engaging. Instead of 'I and some people are those who are agree,' you could write 'I agree along with many others that obtaining a university degree immediately after graduation holds more significance for a career.' This will make your introduction stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
Add more transitional phrases and topics sentences to guide the reader through your essay. This will make the logical structure more robust. Phrases like 'In conclusion,' 'Furthermore,' and 'On the contrary' can aid in this.
Task Achievement
While your ideas are clear, try to expand more on specific examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, provide an example of someone who benefitted from a university degree versus someone who jumped straight into the workforce.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively sums up the main points of your argument, reinforcing the importance of a university degree.
Task Achievement
You address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective on the topic.
Task Achievement
The mention of perseverance and credibility in the context of a successful career is a strong point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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