IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Should one join short-term military training after graduation? Agree or not?

#graduation
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It is sometimes argued that young
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should join
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
short-term military training after graduation. People may agree to
this
Linking Words
 idea because of
responsbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
. In my opinion, I disagree that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should join
short-term
Add an article
the short-term
show examples
 military after graduation because
of
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apply
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human rights and bullying may happen.
Firstly
Linking Words
, short-term military training affects human rights.
Nowaday
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Nowadays
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,
teenagers
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are tend
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tend
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 to be
an
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apply
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indivial
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individuals
. They want to show their talents more than obey
to
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apply
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elder people.
Accroding
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According
 to BBC News, more than sixty
percent
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per cent
show examples
 of
teenagers
Use synonyms
 disagree
to join
Change preposition
with joining
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
military training because of hard to follow the rules.
Also
Linking Words
, some of them may think the training is useless
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their job. So, it is important
that
Correct word choice
for
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 the government to encourage them.
Secondly
Linking Words
, bullying may appear
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the training. There are some
teenages
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 who
weak
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are weak
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 at sports. For those
teenagers
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, it is hard to
makes
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make
show examples
 them follow the same thing
while
Linking Words
trainig
Correct your spelling
training
trying
.
As a result
Linking Words
, some
teenagers
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 may laugh
of
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at
show examples
 them and attack their body shape. That may
affacts
Correct your spelling
affect
affects
 their mental health.
For example
Linking Words
, a student who is fat may run slower than others. So, the tutor may
punishes
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punish
show examples
 him and others just watch and giggle about him. In conclusion, I disagree that all
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should join short-term military training after graduation
due to
Linking Words
 the concerns of human rights and bullying.
Submitted by millstonelee on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, provide more detailed arguments and specific examples to support your viewpoint. Make sure to address all aspects of the question comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. Work on creating clearer and more logical transitions between paragraphs.
language accuracy
Revise for grammatical accuracy and spelling correctness. Phrases such as 'nowaday,' 'are tend to be,' and 'affacts' reduce readability.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You have presented a clear opinion and reasons to support your position.
content relevance
The essay discusses relevant ideas such as human rights and bullying, which are pertinent to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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