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Band 3

Should one join short-term military training after graduation? Agree or not?

#graduation
It is sometimes argued that young
teenagers
 should join
a
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apply
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short-term military training after graduation. People may agree to
this
 idea because of
responsbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
. In my opinion, I disagree that
teenagers
 should join
short-term
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the short-term
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 military after graduation because
of
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apply
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human rights and bullying may happen.
Firstly
, short-term military training affects human rights.
Nowaday
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Nowadays
show examples
,
teenagers
are tend
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tend
show examples
 to be
an
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apply
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indivial
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individuals
. They want to show their talents more than obey
to
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apply
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elder people.
Accroding
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According
 to BBC News, more than sixty
percent
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per cent
show examples
 of
teenagers
 disagree
to join
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with joining
show examples
the
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apply
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military training because of hard to follow the rules.
Also
, some of them may think the training is useless
to
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for
show examples
 their job. So, it is important
that
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for
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 the government to encourage them.
Secondly
, bullying may appear
on
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in
show examples
 the training. There are some
teenages
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teenagers
 who
weak
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are weak
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 at sports. For those
teenagers
, it is hard to
makes
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make
show examples
 them follow the same thing
while
trainig
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training
trying
.
As a result
, some
teenagers
 may laugh
of
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at
show examples
 them and attack their body shape. That may
affacts
Correct your spelling
affect
affects
 their mental health.
For example
, a student who is fat may run slower than others. So, the tutor may
punishes
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punish
show examples
 him and others just watch and giggle about him. In conclusion, I disagree that all
teenagers
 should join short-term military training after graduation
due to
 the concerns of human rights and bullying.
Submitted by millstonelee on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, provide more detailed arguments and specific examples to support your viewpoint. Make sure to address all aspects of the question comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. Work on creating clearer and more logical transitions between paragraphs.
language accuracy
Revise for grammatical accuracy and spelling correctness. Phrases such as 'nowaday,' 'are tend to be,' and 'affacts' reduce readability.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You have presented a clear opinion and reasons to support your position.
content relevance
The essay discusses relevant ideas such as human rights and bullying, which are pertinent to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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