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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays, there are more celebrities who are famous for glamor and wealth rather than their achievements. This is a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamor #wealth #achievements #people
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There is no denying the fact that most young
people
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 can be influenced by
celebrities
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.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that famous
people
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 could negatively affect the personalities of many individuals, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes
this
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 view. In my opinion, I believe that children and teenagers should be influenced by solid achievements rather than glamour and wealth.
To begin
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 with, many
celebrities
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 choose their content based on what
people
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 like.
In other words
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, many
celebrities
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 become famous by capturing their daily routines, and
people
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 enjoy watching
that
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them
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. Social media plays a key role in highlighting their lives.
For instance
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, when teenagers see on several applications like Snapchat and Instagram how
celebrities
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 live in big and comfortable houses, travel on luxurious planes, and dine at special restaurants, it can strongly influence them and create a misleading picture of success. Another point to consider is that parents and teachers have a significant responsibility to be good role models. When students see how their teachers work hard and have big goals to serve the community, they are likely to be inspired to do the same.
Moreover
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, young
people
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 must understand that success does not come easily.
For example
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, if they spend their leisure time on useful activities like sports and participate in competitions, they will realize that hard work leads to achievements. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that time is crucial, and we must use it wisely. Children and teenagers should be encouraged to admire achievements based on hard work rather than superficial glamour and wealth.
Submitted by n.a.s.2 on

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General
To enhance your essay further, try to integrate more varied sentence structures and ensure that all your points are fully explained and supported with more specific examples or studies.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea that directly links back to your thesis statement. This will help in reinforcing your argument.
Task Achievement
Expand on the argument regarding the positive influences and achievements of individuals other than celebrities. This balance will help solidify your stance.
Introduction
You have a clear and concise introduction that sets the stage well for your argument.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your position clearly.
Logical Structure
The body paragraphs are logically structured and each contains a central idea that supports your thesis.
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