IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? what are the main consequences of this issue?

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Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 are more likely to be overweight in comparison with the past because of several serious issues and I will elaborate my arguments in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, it is known that obesity is seemingly increasing day by day because of some problems
such
Linking Words
 as sedimentary lifestyle. To illustrate, individuals' lives are more straightforward with the help of sophisticated technology and it has led to less active life.
For example
Linking Words
, in the past, if
people
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 wanted to eat a delicious restaurant meal they would go out, but now it is possible to sit at home and order various
food
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 via internet applications
such
Linking Words
 as Wolt.
Furthermore
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, online shopping
also
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gives
Verb problem
apply
show examples
contribution
Replace the word
contributes
show examples
 to urgent health problems ,because there is no need to go to shopping centres and spend energy to find suitable clothes with the assistance of some online shopping programs
such
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 as Watsons.
For instance
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, Az TV says that Trendyal which is the best way to shop, decreases offline shopping.
In addition
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, it is
also
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 argued that pupils tend to consume fatty
food
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such
Linking Words
 as fast
food
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 and chips which are the main reasons for being fat.
On the other hand
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, apart from the reasons there are some detrimental consequences which may lead to death.
Firstly
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, staying at home all day without any activity causes obesity which is a destructive problem because it causes physical and psychological issues
such
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 as heart attack , low self-esteem, anxiety etc. To look at details, it is confirmed by the Medical Association that fat is a prominent cause of heart attack and being overweight
also
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 makes appearance bad and
due to
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 it
people
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 feel ugly and decide to isolate themselves. In Conclusion, the technological revolution and convenience needs
such
Linking Words
 as eating fast
food
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 in
people
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 are the main causes of making
people
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 fat, bringing unforeseeable consequences to human health and serious problems with diseases.

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coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically to improve coherence. Consider using clearer transitions between points.
task achievement
Provide clearer and more comprehensive explanations for your arguments to enhance understanding.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a strong introduction and conclusion, setting a clear framework for the discussion.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both causes and consequences of obesity.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant specific examples, such as technology's impact and fast food consumption.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Obesity epidemic
  • Processed foods
  • Urbanization
  • Metabolism
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Calorie-dense foods
  • Fast food
  • Advertising influence
  • Economic factors
  • Physical inactivity
  • Poor dietary choices
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