IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some People Think That We Live In A Society Where Money And Possessions Are Given Too Much Importance. Others Believe That This Is Improving Our Lives. Discuss Both These Views And Give Your Own Opinion.

#people #society #money #possessions #importance #lives
There are those who argue that consumerism causes people to place excessive value on material goods and wealth.
While
 others think that a consumer culture is beneficial for improving people’s standard of living.
This
 essay discusses both sides of
this
 argument and
then
 I will give my own perspective. There are two drawbacks to a materialistic
society
. One of which is that it causes people to consider wealth as the only pathway to happiness.
Therefore
, people might spend too much time
on
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earning money and very little time with their families and friends.
In addition
 to
this
,
the
Correct article usage
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traditional values
such
 as frugality might be lost in a consumer
society
.
This
 might cause a throw-away culture and overconsumption problems.
As a consequence
, a depletion of natural resources and excessive disposal of waste might cause the environment to be damaged. Eventually, inhabitants will suffer from pollution and inadequacy of resources. Materialism does have its benefits. The most significant advantage of a consumer culture is that it generates wealth for a country. The taxes paid for goods,
such
 as the Australian goods and services tax, will increase the revenue for the whole
society
. Afterwards, the government can reinvest in education and healthcare to benefit the citizens.
Furthermore
, more employment opportunities will arise from the jobs created for manufacturing, advertising and retailing.
This
 will see more local residents earning a good income and
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
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 poverty, which is of clear benefit to the welfare of a country.
To conclude
, I believe that consumerism does provide some benefits.
However
, I am inclined to believe that the drawbacks of a greedy, materialistic
society
 far outweigh the advantages because the level of consumption is not sustainable and future generations will inherit a planet with fewer resources and higher levels of pollution.
Submitted by onlineconsumer on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument, providing a clear and balanced discussion. However, the example could be more specific and varied to improve task response.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding more transitional phrases to further enhance the smooth flow of ideas. For instance, using phrases such as 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Finally' could improve readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which enhances readability and comprehension.
task achievement
You have effectively discussed both sides of the argument and provided a personal perspective in the conclusion.
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