IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age from work outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #retirement #age #work
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In the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population era, raising the
retirement
age
 is a topic of debate.
While
 some believe
this
 action brings society advantages, others believe that the disadvantages carry more weight.
This
 essay will discuss both
abovementioned
Correct article usage
the abovementioned
show examples
 matters before presenting my agreement on the former. On the one hand, it is believed that most developed countries' population is ageing.
This
 is a result of younger generations not wanting to give birth;
hence
, the workforce will be affected in the future. Raising the
retirement
age
 means
people
 could
work
 longer, anticipating meeting the
work
 demands. To be specific, Korea has started to raise the
retirement
age
 for their citizens, as their workforce is severely affected
due to
 the mentioned above. Recent research from Hanguk University presented that the number of skill
shortage
Fix the agreement mistake
shortages
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 in agriculture has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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decreased by 10%
due to
 their government
push
Wrong verb form
pushing
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 the
retirement
age
 higher in 2023.
On the other hand
, many
people
 disagree with
above
Add an article
the above
show examples
 view.
This
 is a disadvantage to society as
people
 will need to
work
 for a longer period.
Additionally
, it is believed that it could bring quality of life and
work
 down.
Instead
 of retiring at a certain
age
, individuals will need to continue to
work
further
, to meet the social benefits.
This
 action could cause demotivation to
work
.
To conclude
,
although
 I acknowledge that working for a longer duration might cause dissatisfaction to some individuals, I am of the opinion that increasing the
age
 for
people
 to retire brings countless benefits to a country’s economy and society as a whole.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, consider using a wider range of conjunctions and linking phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed examples and evidence to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea and develops it thoroughly before moving on to the next.
task achievement
Clarify your stance early in the essay and consistently develop this viewpoint throughout your response.
task achievement
Expand on your use of relevant examples to provide clearer support for your arguments.
task achievement
Provide more detailed explanations to support the main points and address potential counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
Your structure is clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You cover both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your language use is generally clear and effective, making your ideas easy to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • pension systems
  • financial pressure
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • retirement savings
  • skills and knowledge transfer
  • job opportunities
  • health challenges
  • work-life balance
  • societal resistance
  • burnout
  • productivity
  • well-being
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