IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many famous sports players advertise sports products. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#sports #players #products #trend
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Nowadays, a growing number of
sports
 figures are promoting
sports
products
. I believe the advantages corresponding with
this
 issue are more considerable than the minor disadvantages. On the one hand, a potential advantage of
sports
 celebrities getting involved in the advertising industry may be that they would encourage some young athletes to try harder to be like that particular sportsman.
For instance
, brands like Nike and Adidas use some popular soccer players who are the main idols for many young soccer players.
Therefore
, when youngsters buy and use those
products
, they might try harder to become successful in their path.
On the other hand
, a potential disadvantage of advertising
sports
products
 by famous athletes is that it might aim to persuade people that buying a particular
product
 will make them happier.
Moreover
, some
sports
 fans want to be like their favourite athlete and use the same
products
 as they do.
Thus
, if a popular
sports
 star promotes a
product
 by posting it on social media, their fans may want to purchase that
product
 even if they have something similar to it and it might encourage consumer culture. A
further
 negative of using glamorous people for promoting a
product
 is that children can easily be influenced by them and they would put pressure on their parents to purchase that thing. On balance, it is true that employing sportspeople would seem advantageous under certain circumstances.
However
, in my view, its negative effects in terms of encouraging consumerism and influencing children in an adverse way override the advantages.
Submitted by amirahmadi9301 on

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task response
Try to add more specific examples and evidence to clarify your points further. This will help you achieve an even higher score for task response.
task response
Ensure all parts of the essay are well-supported with relevant details and examples. This will strengthen your argument and help you score higher.
coherence and cohesion
Maintain a clear and logical structure, ensuring that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. This can be achieved by using a few more transitional phrases to connect your ideas more cohesively.
task response
Your introduction effectively sets up the main argument of the essay, providing a clear point of view.
task response
Your conclusion successfully summarizes the main points of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear logical structure, making it easy to follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Both your introduction and conclusion are well-presented and contribute to a cohesive essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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