IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
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A number of
people
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 believe that to cut down illness and disease, the government should concentrate on decreasing surrounding
pollution
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 and household issues From my point of view, I totally agree that environmental contamination and housing
problems
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 cause sickness and the policies of governments are foremost in prevention complaints. Reducing environmental dirtying is essential for preventing various
health
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 issues. All types of
pollution
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such
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 as air
pollution
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, water
pollution
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, soil
pollution
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, or noise
pollution
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 can cause sickness, respiratory
problems
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, or even cancer. To be more specific, air
pollution
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 in
Hanoi
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Hanoi's
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 capital, Ho Chi Minh City have contributed to promoting the percentage of respiratory sickness in recent years.
Besides
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, most
people
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 who live in mountainous areas or poor housing have a near-natural lifestyle and do not clean up their accommodation usually.
This
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 negatively impacts
people
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's
health
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.
Therefore
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, by ensuring access to clean, affordable housing, governments can promote healthier living conditions.
Moreover
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, I believe that the government not only focus on cutting down surrounding
pollution
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 or household
problems
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 but
also
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 their policies ought to mention solutions to help
people
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 follow a healthy lifestyle. It's undeniable that food and lifestyle greatly influence human
health
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. Nowadays, many
people
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 rely heavily on fast food, leading to an increased percentage of kidney disease or other long-lasting
health
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problems
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.
Additionally
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,high-stress levels lifestyles or spend much time doing work and not having leisure can make
people
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 become weaker and easier to have sick than before. In conclusion,
while
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 I agree that environmental
pollution
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 and housing issues are closely leading to
health
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problems
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, I believe that poor accommodation
,
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apply
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 and dirty and unhealthy lifestyles should
also
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 be on the government’s policies.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

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coherence cohesion
Some sentences are overly complex or unclear. Simplify your sentence structures for better clarity.
task achievement
Expand on your supporting points with more specific examples and detailed explanations.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively summarize the main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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