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Band 6

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
A number of
people
 believe that to cut down illness and disease, the government should concentrate on decreasing surrounding
pollution
 and household issues From my point of view, I totally agree that environmental contamination and housing
problems
 cause sickness and the policies of governments are foremost in prevention complaints. Reducing environmental dirtying is essential for preventing various
health
 issues. All types of
pollution
such
 as air
pollution
, water
pollution
, soil
pollution
, or noise
pollution
 can cause sickness, respiratory
problems
, or even cancer. To be more specific, air
pollution
 in
Hanoi
Change noun form
Hanoi's
show examples
 capital, Ho Chi Minh City have contributed to promoting the percentage of respiratory sickness in recent years.
Besides
, most
people
 who live in mountainous areas or poor housing have a near-natural lifestyle and do not clean up their accommodation usually.
This
 negatively impacts
people
's
health
.
Therefore
, by ensuring access to clean, affordable housing, governments can promote healthier living conditions.
Moreover
, I believe that the government not only focus on cutting down surrounding
pollution
 or household
problems
 but
also
 their policies ought to mention solutions to help
people
 follow a healthy lifestyle. It's undeniable that food and lifestyle greatly influence human
health
. Nowadays, many
people
 rely heavily on fast food, leading to an increased percentage of kidney disease or other long-lasting
health
problems
.
Additionally
,high-stress levels lifestyles or spend much time doing work and not having leisure can make
people
 become weaker and easier to have sick than before. In conclusion,
while
 I agree that environmental
pollution
 and housing issues are closely leading to
health
problems
, I believe that poor accommodation
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and dirty and unhealthy lifestyles should
also
 be on the government’s policies.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

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coherence cohesion
Some sentences are overly complex or unclear. Simplify your sentence structures for better clarity.
task achievement
Expand on your supporting points with more specific examples and detailed explanations.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively summarize the main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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