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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#fathers #home #care #children #mothers #work #reason #development
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In contemporary
society
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, it is common for fathers to become the main nurturers
while
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mothers
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 earn income.
This
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 trend originates from a shift in perception of
women
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's
roles
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, moving away from traditional gender
roles
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 toward recognizing
women
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's
rights
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 to continue working and engaging in social activities despite childbirth. These changes allow
women
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 to demonstrate their capabilities and contribute significantly to
society
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.
Such
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 a trend, where men look after their children and take domestic responsibilities
instead
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 of
mothers
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, stems from a shift in perspectives on
women
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's
roles
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. In the past, females had no choice but to do fixed work
such
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 as nurturers or house chores, mainly influenced by traditional and conservative ideas that
women
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 should take domestic responsibilities
while
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 staying at home.
This
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 idea has been deeply rooted in our
society
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 for thousands of years.
However
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, numerous campaigns and protests for
women
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's
rights
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 during industrialization have transformed the perception of
women
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’s social
roles
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.
This
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 notion allows females to build their career trajectories and freely do social activities. These groundbreaking changes have raised awareness about
women
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's social
rights
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, greatly contributing to the increase in the number of working
women
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.
Consequently
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, fathers are now more likely to take parental leave and share in nurturing responsibilities.
This
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 innovative transformation of females’ social position can be regarded as a positive move since
mothers
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 can continue to do their social activities despite childbirth. These radical shifts provide
women
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 with greater opportunities for societal advancements in their spheres
,
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apply
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while
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 climbing the corporate ladder or recognizing their abilities from others.
Furthermore
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, many
women
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 who can maintain their careers after giving have been successful and outstanding in various fields, including science, IT, and politics. A salient example
can be
Wrong verb form
is
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 a famous female politician “Hillary Clinton”, who is active in the U.S. political field and exerts a great influence on the public. “Maire Curie” was
also
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 an influential figure in biology and chemistry areas by creating innovative inventions and discovering new theories. Nowadays, these
women
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's solid positions have become irreplaceable in our
society
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, generating lots of talented females who make great contributions to
society
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.
Consequently
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, stable regulations for parental and maternal leaves are required to juggle the role of
mothers
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 with work. In conclusion, the shift towards recognizing
women
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's
rights
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 and
roles
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 has led to positive societal changes, enabling
women
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 to pursue their careers and contribute significantly to various fields.
As a result
Linking Words
, fathers taking on nurturing
roles
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 and the implementation of stable parental leave policies are essential to support
this
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 ongoing transformation.
Submitted by uzookim on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the task prompt well by discussing reasons for the trend and taking a standpoint on its positivity, it slightly lacks depth in exploration of counterarguments or other possible reasons why fathers are staying home. Including a bit of discussion on economic factors or changing societal norms would have made the argument more robust.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to ensuring more streamlined flow and transitions between ideas. For instance, the essay could have been organized better by discussing all reasons first and then moving on to its positive aspects to create a more logical structure.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and engaging introduction and conclusion that encapsulates the main arguments well.
task achievement
The essay uses relevant and specific examples, such as citing public figures like Hillary Clinton and Marie Curie, effectively to support its points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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