Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extant do you agree or disagree.

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people

It is often said that there is too much focus on educating the youth,

While

the activity of young

people

should receive more financial attention from the authorities. I completely agree with

this

opinion

due to

some reasons that are the development of other aspects of young

people

and exploration of the talent inside each child. First of all, it is worth considering extracurricular exercise that benefits both the mental and physical growth of

children

. Outdoor

activities

help the young to have more opportunities to exercise their body which will lead to the effective solution of the problems in the young’s brain.

According to

some research, physical

activities

increase concentration and reduce depression in the brain.

Similarly

, participation in outdoor

activities

expands opportunities for gaining vitamin D from the sun. The activity in leisure time brings the ensure values with the development of the youngsters.

On the other hand

, adolescents can better understand themselves through experiments in

activities

in their free time. Joining in the

activities

helps the boy and girl show the pros and cons or make the

children

know their hobbies. All of these will help

children

perfect themselves and shed light on their career orientation in the future.

Additionally

, not only the teenager but

also

the parent can explore the other aspects of the youth’s personality.

For instance

, team games can find leadership, calm or the ability to connect

people

with each other as an adolescent. That can help connect the relationship between parents and

children

, parents can

also

easily develop the hidden talents in their

children

. In conclusion, the government should focus more on the development of activity in the free time of young

people

as they bring good health and give a chance for self-exploration.

Submitted by huyentrang712 on Tue Jun 18 2024

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task achievement

While the essay offers a clear stance and some relevant reasoning, it could be enhanced by mentioning specific statistics or studies to further support the points made. Additionally, addressing potential counterarguments would strengthen the task achievement.

coherence cohesion

Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Adding transitional phrases or sentences can help the reader follow the progression of ideas better. Also, ensure consistent use of tenses and avoid small grammatical inaccuracies.

task achievement

The essay effectively outlines two main reasons for the stance taken and provides relevant examples and explanations.

coherence cohesion

Paragraphs are well-structured and organized logically, with a clear introduction and conclusion.

coherence cohesion

The essay maintains a consistent focus on the topic and does not veer off into unrelated areas.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

291 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

overemphasis
burnout
well-being
mental health
social inclusion
non-academic skills
recreational facilities
antisocial behaviors
extracurricular activities
diverse interests
personal growth
real-world skills
intellectual society
undue stress
teamwork
societal development

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Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extant do you agree or disagree.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants. Other people prefer to prepare and eat food at home. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factor, such as momey and appearance. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

task 2: in some countries, young people have become richer, healthier anf live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this situation?

Some people believe that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, believe that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own food and vegetables. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?