IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extant do you agree or disagree.

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
It is often said that there is too much focus on educating the youth,
While
 the activity of young
people
 should receive more financial attention from the authorities. I completely agree with
this
 opinion
due to
 some reasons that are the development of other aspects of young
people
 and exploration of the talent inside each child. First of all, it is worth considering extracurricular exercise that benefits both the mental and physical growth of
children
. Outdoor
activities
 help the young to have more opportunities to exercise their body which will lead to the effective solution of the problems in the young’s brain.
According to
 some research, physical
activities
 increase concentration and reduce depression in the brain.
Similarly
, participation in outdoor
activities
 expands opportunities for gaining vitamin D from the sun. The activity in leisure time brings the ensure values with the development of the youngsters.
On the other hand
 , adolescents can better understand themselves through experiments in
activities
 in their free time. Joining in the
activities
 helps the boy and girl show the pros and cons or make the
children
 know their hobbies. All of these will help
children
 perfect themselves and shed light on their career orientation in the future.
Additionally
, not only the teenager but
also
 the parent can explore the other aspects of the youth’s personality.
For instance
, team games can find leadership, calm or the ability to connect
people
 with each other as an adolescent. That can help connect the relationship between parents and
children
, parents can
also
 easily develop the hidden talents in their
children
. In conclusion, the government should focus more on the development of activity in the free time of young
people
 as they bring good health and give a chance for self-exploration.
Submitted by huyentrang712 on

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task achievement
While the essay offers a clear stance and some relevant reasoning, it could be enhanced by mentioning specific statistics or studies to further support the points made. Additionally, addressing potential counterarguments would strengthen the task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Adding transitional phrases or sentences can help the reader follow the progression of ideas better. Also, ensure consistent use of tenses and avoid small grammatical inaccuracies.
task achievement
The essay effectively outlines two main reasons for the stance taken and provides relevant examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Paragraphs are well-structured and organized logically, with a clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a consistent focus on the topic and does not veer off into unrelated areas.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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