IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many countries spend a lot of money on art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Arts is an activity that
people
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 usually do to express their emotions and imagination.
Therefore
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, some
people
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 think that it is necessary to increase amazing creativity and imagination.
Nevertheless
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, I do agree with the former argument for some reasons that are set out below. Currently, there are lots of young generation that have amazing potential in doing
art
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.
This
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 can be a good innovation for youngsters to grow their creativity to be great innovators
for
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in
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 the
future
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 by expressing their amazing ideas. By doing
art
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, young
people
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 can create new aesthetic
designs
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 that have never been discovered before.
Therefore
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, governments around the world must be able to consider
art
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 as a necessary innovation to create new innovative and futuristic things in the
future
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.
Besides
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,
art
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 can be a great source of business in the
future
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 because it gives more varieties,
such
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 as digital, handmade, and painting
art
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 which creative
people
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 can sell on various websites, including at NFT Open Sea, where they can earn a lot of digital
money
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 that can be converted into real currency. Based on my research, when the government invests their
money
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 in
art
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, it can help to create more job opportunities for more than 10.000 architects around the world who can build unique infrastructures,
for instance
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, the Shanghai Tower in China, Burj Khalifa in Dubai, and the Twin Towers in Malaysia.
Consequently
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, with all of modern technology, the
future
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 will have more futuristic and sophisticated city
designs
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 that can accommodate more city dwellers in the
future
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. In conclusion, I believe that investing
money
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 in
art
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 is crucial because of the opportunity to gain
money
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, increase job opportunities for architects, and gain new futuristic
designs
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 both for things and city
designs
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.

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task achievement
The essay provides a discussion on both views regarding investment in art and its potential benefits. However, it could be more balanced by providing more detailed arguments for spending on health and education.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, the paragraphing could be improved for better readability. Additionally, transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, impacting the logical flow.
task achievement
Examples such as the use of NFTs and famous buildings are relevant, but they could be explained in more detail to better support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader navigate through the arguments.
task achievement
The points about art fostering creativity, potential financial benefits, and job creation are well-recognized and relevant to the discussion.
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