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Writing Samples
Band 6

New parents should attend parenting courses to bring their children well

#parents #courses #children
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Some believe new
parents
 should attend parenting
courses
 to raise their kids well. I'm afraid I have to disagree with
this
. idea to a large extent. There are several reasons why I believe that
parents
 joining
this
 class can not help them bring up kids well. One of the reasons is that every child is unique, but these
courses
 face too many kids’
parents
.
For example
, an extroverted kid interested in arts and an introverted kid with an immense talent for mathematics could not use the same method learned from the
courses
 to raise.
Furthermore
, since it will consume a lot of
time
 if new
parents
 decide to attend the class, they will have no
time
 to spend with their
children
;
by contrast
, using
time
 to educate
children
 through
parents
’ company is better than through theory. Admittedly, some people may argue that these
courses
 can help
parents
 take care of their
children
 well to a certain extent. Simply because some important knowledge,
such
 as feeding, health could be learned; since new
parents
 lack the knowledge of nutrition combination they fear affecting kids’ health condition.
However
, they forget the fact that there are many ways to get the information better than attending classes.
For instance
,
firstly
, since there is a large sum of information which could be searched with the development of technology, you do not have to spend more
time
 and money to join course;
secondly
, unlike those who learn
children
 raising theory from the
courses
,
parents
 going to specific
children
 hospital may get some more professional advice. All in all, I am certain that the new
parents
 attending parenting classes can not help them
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
raise kids well as the
courses
 do not fit everyone,
although
 they could learn some
theory
Fix the agreement mistake
theories
show examples
.
Submitted by yihualuo525 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to make the introduction clearer by rephrasing it. For example: 'Some believe that attending parenting courses is essential for new parents to raise their children well. However, I largely disagree with this idea.'
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of cohesive devices such as 'moreover', 'in addition', and 'consequently' to improve the flow of your writing.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is fully developed. For instance, further elaborate on why spending time with children directly is more beneficial than attending classes.
task achievement
Add more specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments. Providing real-life scenarios or studies can make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument and aligns with the points mentioned in the essay.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion and maintain your stance throughout the essay, which shows a consistent response to the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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