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Band 6.5

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company organization. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #business #company #organization
Some individuals choose to be entrepreneurs rather than being employees in a company organization.
While
this
 way can provide them more independence, it can contain some risks.
This
 essay will discuss both sides before presenting my own. On the one hand, individuals with clear minds and creative spirits are fearless. They take risks to be their own bosses and have abounding freedom to create innovations. Sometimes it is better to have a chance to improve your skills and experience different ideas.
Besides
, new businesses can establish more opportunities for people who are looking for jobs and reduce the amount of unemployment significantly.
For example
, in 2002, the ratio of recession started to decrease in India,
due to
 the fact of developing new companies.
On the other hand
, developing a self-owned business is a challenging journey with a risk of failing. Because most of the new owners do not have enough experience yet.
For example
, in Iran during the past ten years, the number of modern companies
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been increasing wildly. But unfortunately, just a few of them had enough power to continue working;
while
 the others went bankrupt.
Likewise
, running a business needs a huge amount of money in the beginning,
while
 it doesn’t bring you any profit in the first months.
Additionally
, you should wait long and work hard to make a profit. In conclusion, I believe the merits of being self-employed outweigh the drawbacks.
Although
 it can be extremely risky, it allows you to flexibly pave your career path and become more powerful day by day.
Submitted by mahtaesmailian on

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task achievement
While the essay offers a complete response, adding more relevant and specific examples could enhance credibility and strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Support your main points with a variety of examples and deeper analysis. This will make the essay more persuasive and engaging.
coherence cohesion
Further develop the essay's logical structure by providing clearer transitions between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the flow. The cohesion can be improved by ensuring each paragraph logically follows the previous one.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally maintains a clear and comprehensive set of ideas, but more variety in sentence structures and vocabulary could elevate the clarity and sophistication of arguments.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both the advantages and disadvantages of being self-employed, which contributes to a complete task response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets a clear agenda for the essay, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points while expressing a clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay makes a good attempt at logical structure, beginning with a general statement and following with detailed explanations of both sides of the argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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