IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries, the government likes to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think government should spend more on health and eduation. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#countries #government #money #arts #people #health #eduation
The
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 nowadays invest in many aspects of our lives. Many activities have been invested
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
,
such
 as sports like football and basketball. It is agreed that the law should focus on public services more than the arts.
This
 essay will discuss both sides and include my honest opinion. On the one hand, with the ministry spending more on fitness and educational purposes,
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
 will live with numerous benefits.
For example
, many families will
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 their children in schools without any problems, and our older grandparents will receive medical attention without any issues. With the
government
 spending more on those subjects, our lives will get easier and happier.
Therefore
, it is better if the union starts spending more on our future than useless arts.
On the other hand
, spending on art will surely attract a wide population,
while
also
 developing fame and a known name for the
government
.
For instance
, many will know
this
 art because of the
government
 which owns it.
This
 may be an excellent form of gaining
people
's attractions. In my opinion, I think that the
government
 should invest in the public's health and education over anything, because of its severe importance. To summarise, the
government
 has its pros and cons when investing in arts or
people
's health and education as discussed above. The main focus should be on
people
's health and education over anything else. After a thorough analysis of
this
 subject, It is predicted that investing in our
people
 will always be better than investing in anything else.
Submitted by mrbukhari9 on

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task achievement
Ensure that each main point is well-supported with detailed and specific examples. This can strengthen your argument and make the essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Review and improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs to ensure a seamless reading experience for the examiner.
task achievement
Words like 'union' should be replaced by 'government' or 'authority' for clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The writer presents both sides of the argument, fulfilling the task requirement well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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