IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #cities #people’s #health
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One school of thought advocates that the
health
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 of urban residents is being negatively affected.
While
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 acknowledging the
benefits
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 of urban living, I would contend that it is dangerous to public well-being
as a consequence
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 of living in major cities. Admittedly, it is inevitable that urban areas offer
benefits
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 to people, particularly for
individuals
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 with rare or complex
health
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 conditions. The primary rationale is that large cities attract substantial investments in healthcare infrastructure, including advanced hospitals, specialised clinics, and state-of-the-art medical equipment.
This
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 enhanced availability of modern healthcare services can be crucial for those requiring specialised treatment.
However
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,
along with
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 a variety of services provided, the costs of examinations, medical or surgery might be unaffordable for many households, particularly those with under-average salaries.
Thus
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, only
individuals
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 with a stable income can access these services, leaving those with lower incomes unable to benefit. Despite the aforementioned
benefits
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, I am convinced that urban living takes a toll on residents’
health
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. One significant concern is the exposure to air pollution from vehicles and industrial activities, which adversely affects respiratory
health
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 and increases susceptibility to
espiratory
Correct your spelling
respiratory
 diseases.
For example
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, during the
Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
show examples
 pandemic,
individuals
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 with pre-existing
health
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 conditions, often exacerbated by pollution, faced more severe outcomes.
Moreover
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, the intense competition for jobs in big cities can lead to a stressful lifestyle, overshadowing the importance of balanced living and mental well-being.
This
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 relentless pressure may contribute to mental
health
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 issues, necessitating
further
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 medical intervention and placing an additional burden on
individuals
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. In conclusion,
while
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 the
benefits
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 of living in urban areas are undeniable, I firmly believe that the negative impact on resident’s
health
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 outweighs these
benefits
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.
Submitted by kkhanhnhitr0801 on

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task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task. However, to improve further, you could provide more specifics on how mental health is impacted by urban living. This would strengthen your argument and show deeper insight into the issue.
task achievement
The ideas are clear and comprehensible, but for a higher score, ensure each main point is elaborated with detailed examples or evidence. This can make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure overall. Nevertheless, a slightly clearer transition between the benefits and drawbacks of urban living would aid in logical flow. Using signaling phrases can help.
coherence cohesion
All necessary components (introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion) are well-presented, but to refine for a higher band, make sure your introduction hooks the reader more effectively, and the conclusion synthesizes the main points succinctly.
coherence cohesion
Each main point is well-supported, but adding more varied examples or data can strengthen your support.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view, acknowledging both positives and negatives of urban living, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is coherent and aids in presenting a clear argument.
coherence cohesion
You have strong introductions and conclusions. They effectively summarize and wrap up your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are logically supported with examples, illustrating an understanding of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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