Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others,however,say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
With the improvement of living levels,
people
come to pay more attention to their health
condition. Some people
believe that public health
will be enhanced if there are more exercise
facilities
. However
, I do not completely agree with the opinion as in my eyes, this
approach can be effective only when combined with other measures.
Adding more sports
facilities
to communities is necessary, but not enough. The supporters of this
proposal hold that if the government sets more sports
facilities
, people
will readily perspire there thereby strengthing their figures. However
, they neglect one crucial factor, namely the willingness to do exercise
, without which, all the equipment would merely be decorations. One notable example is the Citizen Park Project of Hangzhou, where large amounts of sports
facilities
have been left unused as frequent overtime has been encroaching on people
's leisure time, and therefore
they to a large extent have lost interest in exercise
.
Based on this
, I maintain that the spread of sports
facilities
must be associated with other related measures, such
as enacting pertinent laws to emancipate employees from excessive overtime. Provided ordinary people
in Hangzhou are not forced to endlessly work in offices, they will definitely participate in more exercise
. After all, everyone cares about their own health
. About this
, there is an evident instance happening in Wuhan, a megacity in the centre of China. According to
the statistics from the local government, when prolonging public holidays, the utilization of local sports
facilities
surged from 35% to 60%.
In conclusion, adding fitness equipment alone cannot effectively improve people
's health
. What is equally essential is the willingness of individuals to exercise
, which needs to be guaranteed by other specific measures.Submitted by hx88375757 on
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task achievement
Your essay does a good job discussing both views and gives a thoughtful opinion. To further improve, ensure that all paragraphs have clear topic sentences to enhance readability and logical flow.
coherence cohesion
To score higher in coherence, try to use more varied linking words and phrases. Currently, the essay flows well, but a greater variety can help demonstrate a range of language skills.
task achievement
Your essay's argument is well-structured and supported with relevant examples, such as the Citizen Park Project in Hangzhou and the statistics from Wuhan.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a clear viewpoint, effectively analyzing the pros and cons of increasing sports facilities and suggesting additional measures.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite