IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

"Some people believe that technological advancements have improved our lives significantly, while others argue that technology has brought more problems than benefits. Discuss both views and give your opinion."

#people #advancements #lives #technology
Technological advancements have brought significant changes to our lives, leading to a debate on whether these changes are beneficial or problematic. In my opinion, advanced technologies have made life more convenient and efficient, but they
also
 pose risks,
such
 as potential personal
information
 leaks.
This
 creates a dilemma for
people
 on how to handle
technology
. First and foremost, technological improvements have rapidly accelerated since the Industrial Revolution. Our lifestyles have gradually adapted to these technologies.
For example
, we now travel by
vehicles
Fix the agreement mistake
vehicle
show examples
instead
 of animal-drawn carts, saving time on journeys.
Moreover
, the invention of the smartphone by Steve Jobs revolutionized communication, allowing
information
 to be delivered efficiently. Most
people
 benefit from these technological advancements.
On the other hand
, some
people
 argue that
technology
 has brought more problems than benefits, and their concerns are reasonable. The abundance of
information
due to
 high
technology
 has led
people
 to prefer watching short videos on smartphones rather than reading books.
This
 shift makes them lazy to think critically and overly reliant on
technology
.
Additionally
, personal
information
 can be easily collected through the Internet, posing security risks and opportunities for fraud. In conclusion, though advanced
technology
 is undoubtedly a useful tool, it can
also
 be a source of trouble. Proper management of
technology
 is crucial for it to remain beneficial.
Otherwise
, it can become a harmful force that negatively impacts our lives.
Therefore
, we must address
this
 issue seriously and strive to balance the benefits and risks of technological advancements.
Submitted by aa0963178783 on

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task achievement
Consider including more specific examples or evidence to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a well-structured discussion of both sides of the topic, which demonstrates a clear understanding of the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effective, framing the essay nicely and summarizing the discussion well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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