IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In the contemporary world, the controversy surrounding the usage of
advertisements
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 has been a prominent topic. It is commonly believed that advertisement is one of the important reasons for consumerism, notwithstanding its crucial role in promoting a company's production. From my perspective, I completely agree that advertisement exerts some negative effects on
people
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's minds in terms of creating artificial needs.
To begin
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 with, the first reason to justify my belief is that
advertisements
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 affect a person's mind and deflect them from making good decisions. To be more precise, studies have discovered that constant exposure to repetitive content makes our minds believe that something is true, and in
this
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 case, buyable. An obvious example of
this
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 is Google which collects the data that users search and shows them repetitively on the other websites as an advertisement.
Therefore
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,
finally
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 can persuade
people
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 to buy that item. Another point to consider is the way of representing an item in
advertisements
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 which contributes to creating an artificial need.
In other words
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,
people
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 often buy things only because of the image of power, success and glamour associated with them.
Hence
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, companies always hire a professional photographer and use advanced cinematography techniques to create their
advertisements
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 as aesthetic as possible and spend a lot of money on
this
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 matter.
Consequently
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,
this
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 leads to a considerable increase in the number of
people
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 who purchase an item just for the sake of appearance. In conclusion,
although
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advertisements
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 are meant to be a way of representing a product, it is used to create a psychological effect on the mind to persuade
people
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 to buy things that they do not really need. So, it results in excessive buying.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to separate your arguments into clearly distinct paragraphs for better readability and logical flow. It’s good to have one central idea per paragraph.
Task Achievement
Ensure to address counterarguments as well, which can make your essay more balanced and nuanced. Briefly acknowledging the opposing viewpoint can strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Always keep your sentences as clear and concise as possible. There are some slightly unclear phrases that could be expressed more simply. For instance, 'Another point to consider is the way of representing an item in advertisements which contributes to creating an artificial need' might be clearer as 'Another point to consider is that advertisements can create artificial needs through the way they represent products.'
Introduction and Conclusion
The introduction sets up the essay well by establishing the two sides of the debate before clearly stating your stance.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint and reemphasizes the main points discussed in the essay, which leaves a strong final impression.
Task Achievement
You provided a very clear and relevant example with the Google advertisements, which helps in achieving a complete response and offering relevant, specific examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • persuade
  • manipulative
  • unnecessary
  • excessive
  • artificial needs
  • desires
  • consumers
  • oversaturation
  • impulse buying
  • financial problems
  • inform
  • educate
  • features
  • benefits
  • innovations
  • raise awareness
  • social issues
  • positive behavior
  • enrich
  • well-being
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