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Band 5.5

In all over the world, obesity is a growing problem among both adults and children. Why is this happening? And what can be done to solve?

Obesity has been a growing phenomenon in many societies across the world, and it negatively impacts
on
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adults and kids. Since inactive behaviour is leading to being overweight among youngsters, I believe it can be solved by governmental
activities
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. Adults and young
people
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 are struggling with obesity issues in the world, and a sedentary lifestyle might be the main one among some possible reasons. To be more clear, the sedentary lifestyle which
people
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 do not do any physical
activities
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or
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do not study anywhere, and just stay at home.
For instance
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, a person mostly spends time at home and does some
activities
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,
such
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 as playing video games, watching movies, and eating so much amount of foods that are fattening, for a long time.
As a result
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, mature and immature
people
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 have been gaining so much weight and becoming fat.
Furthermore
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, everyone wants to be healthier and thinner, and there are some achievable ways to handle
this
Linking Words
 problem globally.
For instance
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, the government must organize national running marathons for everyone, and they should give different prizes and gifts to
people
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's win and are active.
As a consequence
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,
people
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 motivate themselves to get valuable awards by running
a
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long
distance
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distances
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 like tens of kilometres.
In addition
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, specialists teach and guide
people
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 to a healthier life by giving some information on a television programme, so when they realize and know what is beneficial or not, they can change themselves efficiently. In conclusion,
while
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 overweight issues are common among both grown-up and middle-aged
people
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 because of a lack of physical
activities
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,
it
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they
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 can be prevented by local authorities.

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coherence cohesion
Try to vary the sentence structures and avoid repetition of the same phrases. It might improve the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Be cautious of minor grammar and vocabulary errors. Phrasing such as 'inactive behaviour is leading to being overweight' could be more smoothly stated as 'a sedentary lifestyle is leading to obesity'.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents the problem and offers a solution, setting a good stage for the rest of the essay.
task achievement
You offer relevant examples and potential solutions to the problem of obesity, which add substantial support to your argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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