IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#children #lifestyle #schools #parents
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays numerous
children
 develop a lifestyle
that is
 not healthy.
Although
 I think that the teacher
also
 has to encourage
children
 to live healthier lives, I mostly believe that
parents
 are more responsible in
this
 regard. Teachers are less likely to help
children
 to have relatively healthier lives.
However
, they can contribute to
this
 process to some extent through valuable lessons.
For instance
, I remember when I was in primary school, we used to learn about the ideal daily routine and eating
habits
 from textbooks with pictures. I used to get inspired by those lessons and started to implement healthy
habits
 in my life,
such
 as sleeping and waking up early, doing exercises, eating my meals on
time
, and so on.
As a consequence
, teachers can be quite helpful in tackling
this
 issue.
Nevertheless
, it is undeniable that
parents
 take more responsibility in
this
 matter. Because
children
 spend most of their
time
 at home since they were born.
Children
’s upbringing shapes the way of living they own. Some
parents
 try to create healthy daily routines for their
children
 by paying attention to their eating, sleeping
habits
, and physical health.
For example
, thanks to my
parents
 we always ate our meals on
time
, consumed a lot of fruits and vegetables, and went to bed on
time
.
Due to
this
 fact we still mostly stick to these
habits
. In conclusion,
while
 teachers can be a crucial factor in solving
this
 problem, I would argue that
parents
 have more responsibility to bring up
children
 with better medical conditions.
Submitted by Narmin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to further develop your main points with more detailed examples and evidence. This will help in clearly conveying your arguments and provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next for a more cohesive and structured essay. You can use more transitional phrases to achieve this.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay well.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples are used to illustrate your main points, adding depth to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
What to do next:
Look at other essays: