Entertainment such as playing electronic games on portable devices will be harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Excessive gaming on digital devices is a concerning topic nowadays and it is considered to be dangerous for people and their community. I agree with
this
opinion due to
its detrimental effect on people's mental and physical health and kids' cognitive development.
On one hand, gamers tend to spend all their spare time playing electronic games
online which leads them to a sedentary lifestyle, obesity, mental problems and other serious consequences. Lack of movement is a proven cause of many diseases including eating disorders, high blood pressure, depression, and anxiety. In addition
to that, the violent content of the games
is able to cause serious psychological problems for both individuals, such
as a lack of anger control, and for the whole community, such
as an increasing level of aggression which can lead to shooting on streets or in the public places, which is widely known from the news.
On the other hand
, kids get uncontrolled access to video games
which are full of fast-moving content, constantly experience a deficit of focus and difficulties in studying at school. Recent researches report that more and more adolescents struggle to read texts requiring their attention for more than 20 minutes, which means they are not able to absorb big amounts of information anymore, memorize it and use it effectively for their study. This
is an alarming sight of degrading human mental capability.
In conclusion, while
electronic games
are extremely attractive for all ages, their negative effects on the human body, mental health as well as
on cognitive abilities, are making them dangerous for people and should not be welcomed.Submitted by lea12nz on
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task achievement
The introduction is clear and presents your stance directly, which is good. However, make sure to define terms like 'detrimental effect' more explicitly. Additionally, providing a broader context for the issue before presenting your opinion would strengthen the task response score further.
coherence cohesion
The arguments are logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, consider using more linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between your points.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or studies to support your claims. For instance, mentioning specific studies or statistics about video game addiction or its effects on health would add depth and reliability to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Both body paragraphs cover distinct points, which is effective for coherence. However, try dividing the longer sentences into shorter ones for better readability and impact. This can help in presenting each idea more clearly and concisely.
task response
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates your stance, providing a strong closing to your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have well-defined paragraphs with clear main points, which makes your essay easy to follow.
task response
The essay covers various aspects (mental, physical health, and cognitive development), demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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