In todays world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development.
Nowadays, people are much more concerned about their age and want to look younger. I believe it is a negative development as it undermines natural look, and
also
these treatments drains
Change the verb form
drain
person
financially. Correct article usage
a person
This
essay will be in support of the abovementioned points and will elaborate it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
further
in following
paragraphs.
People are getting influenced by actors/actresses who Correct article usage
the following
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
these kind
of plastic surgery treatments as it makes them look attractive, but what they don't see is that those models are getting paid for their looks. Models have to spend money because of their profession Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
whereas
folks who undergo these surgeries just for having
their looks transformed like those famous celebrities are wasting their money and Change preposition
to have
also
sometimes getting their physical appearence
destroyed Correct your spelling
appearance
along with
it. For instance
, A women
got famous because she wanted to look like Angelina Jolie, did plastic surgery for it and her looks got damaged permanently. Fix the agreement mistake
woman
This
is the reason that makes
money spent on Verb problem
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
appearence
,Correct your spelling
appearance
a
negative development.
Adding to Add a missing verb
is a
this
, this
not only drains one financially,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
brings health problems along with
it. We have seen that there are several side affects
to Correct your spelling
effects
this
, persons who undergo these programs, suffer from various skin allegies
which could lead to cancer.Correct your spelling
allergies
For example
, talking about hair transplant, in which needle
is used to add hair to the forehead, sometimes Correct article usage
a needle
force
of the needle is so much that makes a person suffer from Add an article
the force
brain
Add an article
a brain
hemorrhage
. So, it does not seem worth it to put one's life at risk to look physically attractive.
Change the spelling
haemorrhage
To conclude
, one should be satisfied with how he/she appears and should n't spend bucks to enhance their appearence
. Correct your spelling
appearance
Instead
, should spend it on other activities which would bring them mental peace and joy.Submitted by mannadarshpal13 on
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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which is commendable. However, try to avoid repetition of points in the introduction. Instead, succinctly mention what you will be discussing without reiterating your stance multiple times.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good logical flow, but it can be improved. Try to ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, you could use more linking words and phrases to guide the reader.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic well and provided relevant examples, but the examples could be more specific. Try to add more detail to support your points and make them more compelling.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and be focused on a single idea. Ensure that your ideas within paragraphs are clearly connected and not disjointed.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues and misuse of words like 'allegies' which should be 'allergies'. Proofreading your essay before submission can help catch these mistakes.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear and strong position on the issue, which is maintained throughout the essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which helps to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your stance. It also offers a thoughtful recommendation.