IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In todays world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development.

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Nowadays, people are much more concerned about their age and want to look younger. I believe it is a negative development as it undermines natural look, and
also
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 these treatments
drains
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drain
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person
Correct article usage
a person
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 financially.
This
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 essay will be in support of the abovementioned points and will elaborate
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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further
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 in
following
Correct article usage
the following
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 paragraphs. People are getting influenced by actors/actresses who
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
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 of plastic surgery treatments as it makes them look attractive, but what they don't see is that those models are getting paid for their looks. Models have to spend money because of their profession
whereas
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 folks who undergo these surgeries just
for having
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to have
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 their looks transformed like those famous celebrities are wasting their money and
also
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 sometimes getting their physical
appearence
Correct your spelling
appearance
 destroyed
along with
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 it.
For instance
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, A
women
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woman
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 got famous because she wanted to look like Angelina Jolie, did plastic surgery for it and her looks got damaged permanently.
This
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 is the reason that
makes
Verb problem
apply
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money spent on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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appearence
Correct your spelling
appearance
,
a
Add a missing verb
is a
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negative development. Adding to
this
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,
this
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 not only drains one financially
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 brings health problems
along with
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 it. We have seen that there are several side
affects
Correct your spelling
effects
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 to
this
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, persons who undergo these programs, suffer from various skin
allegies
Correct your spelling
allergies
 which could lead to cancer.
For example
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, talking about hair transplant, in which
needle
Correct article usage
a needle
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 is used to add hair to the forehead, sometimes
force
Add an article
the force
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 of the needle is so much that makes a person suffer from
brain
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a brain
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hemorrhage
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haemorrhage
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. So, it does not seem worth it to put one's life at risk to look physically attractive.
To conclude
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, one should be satisfied with how he/she appears and should n't spend bucks to enhance their
appearence
Correct your spelling
appearance
.
Instead
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, should spend it on other activities which would bring them mental peace and joy.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which is commendable. However, try to avoid repetition of points in the introduction. Instead, succinctly mention what you will be discussing without reiterating your stance multiple times.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good logical flow, but it can be improved. Try to ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, you could use more linking words and phrases to guide the reader.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic well and provided relevant examples, but the examples could be more specific. Try to add more detail to support your points and make them more compelling.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and be focused on a single idea. Ensure that your ideas within paragraphs are clearly connected and not disjointed.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues and misuse of words like 'allegies' which should be 'allergies'. Proofreading your essay before submission can help catch these mistakes.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear and strong position on the issue, which is maintained throughout the essay.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which helps to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your stance. It also offers a thoughtful recommendation.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Youthful appearance
  • Societal norms
  • Media influence
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Professional competition
  • Health and wellness
  • Cosmetic enhancements
  • Medical technology
  • Anti-aging products
  • Invest in appearance
  • Beauty standards
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