IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence in films on television and at the cinema. Others feel that violent films should not be regulated. Discuss both view

#people #government #level #violence #films #television #cinema
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It is argued by some
people
 that movies shown on television or in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
theaters
Change the spelling
theatres
show examples
 which contain ferocity should
be control
Change the verb form
be controlled
show examples
 by the government
while
 an alternative point of view is that the
amount
 of
violence
 should be kept intact.
This
 essay agrees with the
sooner
Correct word choice
previous
show examples
 statement and
lay
Wrong verb form
lays
show examples
 out the
Correct your spelling
reasoning
resoning
Correct your spelling
responses
 below There can be no doubt that almost the
amout
Correct your spelling
majority
 of viewers nowadays
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
. For that
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 the
appearment
Correct your spelling
appeasement
 of
violent
Add an article
the violent
a violent
show examples
film
Fix the agreement mistake
films
show examples
 with too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 abusive
element
Fix the agreement mistake
elements
show examples
 has a profound effect on mental
faculity
Correct your spelling
faculty
facility
.
Moreover
, these
films
 have
effect
Add an article
an effect
show examples
 on not only the young but
also
 the adults.
This
 content
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 increase in criminal crime.
Due to the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 fact that
people
watch
Correct pronoun usage
who watch
show examples
 abusive
element
Fix the agreement mistake
elements
show examples
 frequently think that using
gun
Fix the agreement mistake
guns
show examples
 or
knife
Fix the agreement mistake
knives
show examples
 is normal and easy to break the law.
As a result
, reducing the
amount
 of
violence
 in violent
films
certains
Correct your spelling
certain
 that
people
 will never have abusive behaviour An alternative
view point
Correct your spelling
viewpoint
show examples
 of
this
 case is that many
people
 still support the development of
action
films
 with high excitement.
This
 is because several
people
 watch
action
films
 as a way to relax. They feel engaged with violent
element
Fix the agreement mistake
elements
show examples
 and not be attracted if
these
Change the determiner
this
show examples
 content is controlled by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. For that reason, many
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that
violence
 is
Correct article usage
a speacial
show examples
speacial
Correct your spelling
special
features
Fix the agreement mistake
feature
show examples
 of
this
 genre of
films
 and to ensure that they will earn enough profit, abusive features
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 necessary.
This
 may be true but watching too
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 violent elements and behaviours is always a potential danger with
thoughts
Correct article usage
the thoughts
show examples
 and manner of
people
This
 writer
contrnd
Correct your spelling
contend
contends
 that the limit of age for
action
 or horror movies is not a good solution. What I mean is many
cinema
Change to a plural noun
cinemas
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
responsibility
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 age control
therefor
Correct your spelling
therefore
show examples
 many teenagers who are not old enough can watch
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
movies with high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
violence
.
Thus
, limiting the
amount
 of
violence
 in these
films
 is always
necessary
Add an article
a necessary
the necessary
show examples
 solution to certain the development of the country In conclusion, despite the contributions of
action
films
 to the economy of the country, they are
also
 a risk
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 children and the
develoment
Correct your spelling
development
 of
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should reduce the
amount
 of
violence
 in
action
films
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coherence cohesion
While the essay addresses both viewpoints and presents a stance, it would benefit from clearer and more coherent logical structuring. Each point should flow naturally into the next, with more distinct paragraphs for each idea.
task achievement
Some of the arguments presented are repetitive and lack specific examples to strengthen the points. Including more concrete examples will make your arguments more persuasive and comprehensive.
general tippy
There are numerous grammatical and spelling errors which affect the overall readability of the essay. Pay attention to sentence structure and use of vocabulary. Proofreading your work can help identify and correct these mistakes.
general tippy
Consider rephrasing and simplifying some of your sentences to avoid confusion. For instance, instead of saying 'these films have effect on not only the young but also the adults,' you could say 'these films affect both young people and adults.'
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing the main points and restating the stance which adds to its coherence.
task achievement
The writer addresses both sides of the argument, showing an effort to engage with the topic comprehensively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • regulation
  • vulnerable groups
  • age restrictions
  • censorship
  • real-life aggression
  • healthier society
  • creative freedom
  • free speech
  • artistic vision
  • cultural narratives
  • personal responsibility
  • viewing choices
  • balanced approach
  • rating systems
  • parental guidance
What to do next:
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