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Band 3.5

Some people think that children should aim to do their best at whatever they are doing. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #children #aim
Some people argue that their
children
 should strive for excellence in all their pursuits
while
 others disagree.Each side has its own merits,and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 support the former perspective. On the one hand, it is said that
children
 should achieve high proficiency in
subjects
Correct article usage
the subjects
show examples
 they participate in.
For instance
,in some lower
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
,
children
 focus solely on core subjects, like English and Math, to reach top grades and class rankings. Their rationale behind
this
 is that entering a prestigious university can make an important
turning-point
Correct your spelling
turning point
show examples
 for their professional prospects .
Although
this
 way seems harsh ,it may lead to promising career opportunities and alleviate
financial
Add an article
the financial
show examples
 burden on their parents in the future.
On the contrary
, some argue that expecting
children
 to excel in every area they participate in has its own adverse consequences. The intense pressure on
children
 to perform the best at everything could cause problems in their mental health
such
 as depression,
OCD
Correct word choice
and OCD
show examples
.
In addition
,
children
 may lose their carefree childhood which can be their spiritual support when they face difficulties in the future. In conclusion,I reaffirm my conviction that
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 should aim for excellence in every
subject
Add an article
the subject
show examples
 they attend.
Besides
, schools and families should incorporate more leisure activities into the timetable of their
children
 in order to prevent potential mental problems
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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views of the topic and provides a clear opinion, which completes the task. However, there are areas where more specific examples could strengthen your argument. For instance, mentioning specific prestigious universities or real-world examples of careers that benefit from early academic excellence would be helpful.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a clear structure, there are occasional lapses in clarity due to some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Improving sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy would enhance readability. For example, "offsprings" should be "offspring," and pay attention to article use and plural forms.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear, which helps guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Your viewpoint is stated clearly, and you effectively present both sides of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • striving for excellence
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • competitive
  • reduces pressure
  • balanced development
  • fosters creativity
  • realistic goals
  • adverse mental health outcomes
  • achievable aspirations
  • balanced approach
  • participation
  • enjoyment
  • societal and cultural impact
  • understanding of success
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