IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that it is a good idea that old people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work
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Workers have been fighting for their rights since the
beginnings
Fix the agreement mistake
beginning
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 of history.
However
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, it was not until the Industrial Revolution that they gained some of the most important rights we have nowadays, like pensions. The age for retiring and accessing those savings has been steadily increasing
along with
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 the survival expectancy. I consider that in the overpopulated world we live in, older workers should leave their spots for youngsters to take over.
Firstly
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, increasing the age to leave a job leaves a lesser number of spots to cover by newcomers, making it more difficult for graduates to enter their desired careers.
Thus
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, the number of
people
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 looking for a job gets higher at the same
time
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 the salaries decrease.
This
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 has to do with the "offer and demand rules", which regulate all commercial activities and ultimately affect both experienced and non-experienced professionals.
Secondly
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,
people
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 tend to save for retirement and look up to it as a period of
time
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 they can make the most of. It is usual to have plans for travelling or even starting new hobbies because of the extra free
time
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 that would have been labelled as working hours before.
Although
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 it is true that living longer years gives the elders more
time
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 to achieve their dreams, if they wait until having impediments to work it could affect their plans and not give them a good quality of life during their
last
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 years on earth.
To sum up
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, experienced
people
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 should think about fully enjoying the end of their lives and leave their jobs so that young
people
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 can access the working market.
Submitted by agallegoalonso94 on

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relevant specific examples
The essay should include more specific examples to support the main points. Consider including statistics or real-life instances to strengthen your arguments.
supported main points
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that succinctly states the main idea of the paragraph. This will help in maintaining focus and coherence.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets the context by talking about historical context and the current scenario regarding retirement age.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion concisely summarizes the key points and provides a clear stance on the topic.
logical structure
The essay is generally well-organized and transitions between points are smooth, aiding in overall coherence and cohesion.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas presented are clear and consistent, making the argument easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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