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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In some countries, owing a home rather than renting one is very important for people. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative situation?

#countries #home #people #be #case #situation
Nowadays,
people
 tend to have accommodation on their own rather than renting one and
this
 matter has grown in importance in a growing number of countries. In my opinion, there are many reasons which can lead to
this
 matter, I am
also
 convinced that
this
 might have some negative effects on
people
 in the long run. It is my view that many societies are putting pressure on
people
 to have a
home
 on their own and
people
 believe their ownership of a property like a
home
, indicates their wealth which is really important for them.
Moreover
, another potential reason can be that many landlords do not come to terms with tenants which can complex the situation for
people
 who do not have a house on their own.
For instance
, rents are sometimes too expensive and unaffordable for tenants to pay which results in many mental problems for the
people
 and may cause them to change their homes several times a year which is very demanding for individuals.
Thus
, owning a
home
 might be a better choice for a vast number of
people
. I
further
 believe that
this
 matter might affect
people
 adversely in certain circumstances. It is an undeniable fact that purchasing a
home
 is not an easy thing to do and only the
people
 with high salaries can afford that.
Therefore
,
people
 who are not wealthy enough to have accommodation on their own may experience intolerable pressure from their family or their close relatives.
For example
, there are always expectations from the breadwinners to provide their families with a decent
home
 which may be impossible for many
people
 these days.
As a result
,
people
 may experience many mental difficulties. In conclusion, there are some problems in many cultures that force
people
 to think about buying a
home
 which is not possible for everyone.
Consequently
, poor
people
 who are unable to purchase a
home
 are more likely to suffer from health problems.
Submitted by amirahmadi9301 on

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task achievement
While the essay generally responds to the task well, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the reasons why owning a home is important in some cultures. Consider adding more varied examples and perspectives to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
There are occasional grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that detract from the clarity of your ideas. Pay attention to sentence structure and verb tenses for a more polished and coherent response.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main points effectively.
task achievement
The reasons provided for why owning a home is important are relevant and add depth to the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical flow from one paragraph to the next, making it easy to follow the writer's line of thought.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ownership
  • renting
  • importance
  • sense of security
  • stability
  • financial investment
  • asset
  • customize
  • decorate
  • belonging
  • community
  • potential
  • future generations
  • long-term
  • cost advantage
  • control
  • living space
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