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Band 5

Some people believe that youngsters should be required to have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. What extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #youngsters #education #years
Education
 is one of
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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the important milestones in our lives. Many adolescents move on and graduate from university,
Correct word choice
and somebody
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somebody
Correct your spelling
some
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agrees
Correct subject-verb agreement
agree
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 on
conventional
Add an article
the conventional
a conventional
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 treadmill after school. Some people believe that
children
 must be
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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obliged to learn until they are fewer
18
Change preposition
than 18
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 years old,
while
 others believe that society should provide
choice
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choices
show examples
 for
children
 and make facultative
education
 at
high-school
Correct your spelling
high school
show examples
.
This
 essay will be devoted
this
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to this
show examples
 question.
To begin
 with the first point of view. Unfortunately, not all youngsters wholly understand
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 importance of
education
, but we want to get a cultural and advanced society. The post-industrial economy requires
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 high level of knowledge for every citizen and a basic skill set. It is
necessarily
Change the word
necessary
show examples
 because they can receive a good job.
Therefore
 we need to force
children
 to develop their human capital.
Also
, one non-obvious moment is that if we
let
Add a missing verb
are let
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 out
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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from
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of
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 school, not all will be employed quickly
hence
 they can assemble
a
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apply
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gang
Fix the agreement mistake
gangs
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 and commit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crimes like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
robbery. The next point of view is
Correct word choice
that high-school
show examples
high-school
Correct your spelling
high school
show examples
education
not
Add a missing verb
is not
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 for everyone. The main argument is an unequal level of students, weaker ones pull on the bottom a whole group. If man doesn't want to study why must teachers teach him? If
man
Add an article
a man
show examples
doesn't
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isn't
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 capable
to study
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of studying
show examples
, we should release him.
Moreover
, for some
proffesions
Correct your spelling
professions
 the experience of work is more important than
education
, these workers faster become useful members of their society. In conclusion, I am a proponent of the second position. I reckon that
children
 must pass the exams periodically
whereas
 the weakest students must lose the right to
education
 and go to work.
Submitted by andreidiakov2100 on

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coherence
To improve coherence, ensure smooth transitions between points and paragraphs. Using linking words and phrases appropriately will help connect ideas more effectively.
task response
Develop more specific examples to support your main points. This will help strengthen your argument and make it more concrete.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the discussion effectively.
task response
The essay tackles both perspectives on the issue, showing a balanced understanding of the debate.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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