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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some people think that money spent on protecting wild animals would be better than spending on improving the lives of the human population. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #animals #lives #population
There is no doubt that these days some people consider spending
money
 on
insuring
Correct your spelling
ensuring
show examples
 the
lives
 of wild
animals
 would be better than than developing the
lives
 of human nature. The question is do
a
Correct pronoun usage
you
show examples
 agree or disagree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 statement?
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
 In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I'm going to discuss both sides. In terms of protecting wild
animals
 rather than
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 population, there is no advantage of protecting wild
animals
 and wasting
money
 on insuring them,
Whereas
 if
money
 is spent on the improvement of the
lives
 of the human population it will
develope
Correct your spelling
develop
 the standard of living and
and
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
increase the life expectancy, The main reason given to support
this
 claim is that
money
 spent on protecting wild
animals
 will have a negative impact on the
lives
 of humans, for illustration, a wild animal could suddenly kill a person or bring horror to our
lives
.
Secondly
, wild
animal
Fix the agreement mistake
animals
show examples
 are not an essential part of our
lives
, so we're not required to waste
money
 in order to protect their
lives
. In conclusion, I completely disagree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 statement because the development of our
lives
 is way
important
Correct quantifier usage
more important
show examples
 than wild
animals
.
Submitted by yazanalt523 on

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task achievement
Your introduction is a good start, but you should clearly state your position on the issue in the introduction itself. For example, you could say 'I completely disagree with the statement because developing human lives is more important.' This provides a clear direction for your essay.
task achievement
Your arguments need more development and specific examples. Try to elaborate more on how improving human lives directly impacts society positively. Details and examples are crucial to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical errors and word choice. For instance, 'do a agree' should be 'do I agree.' Smaller mistakes can disrupt the flow of reading and make your ideas harder to understand.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically to the next. Your second paragraph mainly repeats points from the first paragraph. Instead, use it to introduce new points supporting your position.
task achievement
You have presented a clear point of view, which is essential for a good essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which rounds off your response well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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