IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

ome people think that we should replace old buildings and houses in cities with more modern buildings. Other people think we should protect old buildings. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant experience from your own experience.

#ome #people #buildings #houses #cities
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In
cities
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' development, keeping some special old
buildings
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 has become more popular these days. It is argued by people that it is better to replace old facilities and houses which are near to modern
buildings
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. Other commentators assert that we should keep these old
buildings
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 with good maintenance. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both arguments giving my view in the end. Some people argue that old
buildings
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 are the worst for
cities
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 which are becoming developed. Many old places have low maintenance with paint dirties and walls cracking over the surface of all
buildings
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.
As a consequence
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, they should be removed because it could be a potential peril to citizens because the construction materials could be detached from balconies or roofs, which fall and hit people. Others explain that old
buildings
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 are converting into dwellings for the homeless and criminals.
As a result
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,
this
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 can increase the criminal rates and an awful aspect of the city.
On the other hand
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, others suggest that some old-fashioned homes have relevant tales.
For example
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, countries like China or Italy are holding all the old houses in order to not disturb the story of their
cities
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, generating historical sites that we know. Other aspects could be that the countries are trying to prevalent a cultural heritage.
For instance
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,
cities
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 like Paris or Quito have old fancy building designs.
As a result
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, tourism increases and become more interested in those places because of the story value. These help in the development of the storied city as well.
To conclude
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,
although
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 some old
buildings
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 could be dangerous to modernize
cities
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. In my view, keeping those
buildings
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 with high maintenance standards could give a sense of living in a peaceful place.
Submitted by jolo9419jmor on

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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that previews the main arguments. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to enhance readability and flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, mentioning specific historical buildings or instances where modern replacements improved safety.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate more on your conclusion. Summarize the key points discussed and reinforce your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both viewpoints and offers a clear opinion in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps guide the reader through the essay.
task achievement
The ideas are relevant to the topic and show a reasonable depth of thought.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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