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Band 5.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
Some adopt the view that it is pivotal for individuals to accept challenges, not only in their
career
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careers
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 but
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 own lives as well.
Although
 there are some certain drawbacks, the benefits are more significant. On the one hand, there are some downsides when people dare to
risk
Wrong verb form
risks
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.
Firstly
, the loss of all
what
Correct word choice
that
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 they have is a consequence of
this
 issue. Investors,
for example
, are willing to spend their budget on
stock
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the stock
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 market, or start-up
company
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companies
show examples
, thereby becoming empty-handed if any risk.
Additionally
, failure will enable people to suffer from depression
,
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apply
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 or mental instability.
This
 may drag them down at the bottom, crushing them in the flurry of the won'ts, the can'ts, and the impossible.
Thus
,
this
 will harm their own lives ,
as well as
 their professions.
On the other hand
,
however
, there are
also
 some
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 impacts.
Initially
, it will lead to results beyond
expectation
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expectations
show examples
. Having said that, more and more people are becoming successful thanks to
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
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 of characteristics. Businessmen,
for instance
, can make a huge profit
due to
 the fact that they are go-getters. Meanwhile, far more millennials find themselves compatible with various positions when they dare to jump out of their
comfor
Correct your spelling
comfort
 zones.
Secondly
, accepting new challenges is more likely to think outside the box. Many discoveries, or inventions like vaccines, or smartphones, are the outcomes of those who are
courage
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courageous enough
show examples
 to stop and start new ways from scratch. Without any challenge, there would be
such
 breakthroughs
thesedays
Correct your spelling
these days
. In conclusion, even though there are still several drawbacks mentioned above, I strongly believe that the advantages of taking risks can overshadow
its
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their
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 disadvantages.
Submitted by hongmien.n on

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task achievement
Your essay comprehensively addresses the task prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks in personal and professional lives. However, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next can further augment coherence.
coherence cohesion
To further enhance clarity, try to avoid minor grammatical errors and ensure each point is articulated clearly. For instance, phrases like 'This may drag them down at the bottom' can be rephrased for better clarity.
task achievement
You provided a balanced view by addressing both the positive and negative aspects of taking risks.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument, which enhances the overall coherence of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
What to do next:
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