IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People in all modern societies use drugs, but today's youth are experimentin with both legal and illegal drugs, and at an increasingly early age. Some sociologist claim that parents and other membes of society often set a bad example. Discuss the causes and effects of widspread drug use by young people. Make recommendation you feel are necessary to help fight drug abuse.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
At
this
Linking Words
 current time , young individuals are exposing themselves to different types of
drugs
Use synonyms
 . and it is argued whether the bad influence from other members of society
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 the cause of it . In
this
Linking Words
 essay , I will elaborate in regards to
this
Linking Words
 subject including adding some recommendations .
Overall
Linking Words
 , teenagers are more exposed to the usage of
drugs
Use synonyms
 , because they are
easly influneced
Correct your spelling
easily influenced
 by others .
Linking Words
in
Capitalize word
In
show examples
 addition , they are unable
identify
Add the particle
to identify
show examples
 the risk
assosiated
Correct your spelling
associated
 with it . First and foremost , there are many
contribution
Change to a plural noun
contributions
show examples
 that cause
drug
Use synonyms
 abuse for an individual , whether
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 the environment or the people they are surrounded by .
This
Linking Words
 includes family members , friends , and society in general . these are all contributions to
drug
Use synonyms
 addiction , but how ?
Linking Words
firstly
Capitalize word
Firstly
show examples
, the environment that the individual lived in.
Linking Words
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 instance , living in a toxic environment
such
Linking Words
 as an abusive household ,will
ultimatley
Correct your spelling
ultimately
 lead them to the wrong path .
However
Linking Words
 , sometimes others could experience the same difficulties
while
Linking Words
 their still thriving in life
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 tells us that it solely depends on how the person chooses to
response
Replace the word
respond
show examples
 to difficult
circumstaces
Correct your spelling
circumstances
.
Secondly
Linking Words
 ,
drug
Use synonyms
 abuse can affect an individual in various aspects including their home life , career , and relationships . There was a study that was held in Colombia that
examens
Correct your spelling
examined
 the
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 of
drugs
Use synonyms
 on people
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all ages ,
this
Linking Words
 demonstrates that every age category is exposed to the risk of
drugs
Use synonyms
 .Whether
that is
Linking Words
 a
7 year old
Add a hyphen
7-year-old
show examples
 child or an
80 year old
Add a hyphen
80-year-old
show examples
 elderly . the results indicated that
drugs
Use synonyms
 mostly affect young people . In conclusion , as a
society
Add a comma
society,
show examples
 we need to set a good example to the younger generation by making sure that they have a deep understanding in regards to danger of
drug
Use synonyms
 usage
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and taking steps to
insure
Correct your spelling
ensure
show examples
 that they are safe .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, structure your paragraphs more clearly. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, and ensure that your supporting sentences relate directly to that topic sentence. Linking words and phrases can also help make the text flow more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every claim or point you make is well-supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, you mentioned a study from Colombia; providing specific details or statistics from that study would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition of ideas, especially in the introduction and conclusion. Summarize your main points succinctly instead of repeating what has already been said. This will make your essay more concise and impactful.
task achievement
Clarify your main ideas by elaborating on them. For instance, when you talk about 'toxic environments,' provide concrete examples to make your point clearer.
task achievement
Use varied vocabulary and sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This will also help to convey your ideas more precisely.
task achievement
Proofread your essay to eliminate minor errors in spelling and grammar. This will improve the overall readability of your text.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt and provided relevant points regarding the causes and effects of drug use among young people.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in providing a complete response to the task.
coherence cohesion
You have made an attempt to divide your essay into paragraphs, which is good for readability.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • peer pressure
  • experiment with drugs
  • legal and illegal substances
  • glamorize
  • portrayal
  • neglect
  • addiction
  • diminished academic performance
  • education programs
  • regulations and enforcement
  • community support programs
  • counseling services
  • positive alternatives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: