IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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In recent years,
technology
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 and its effects on individuals have become a more important subject than in the past.these days ,Some
children
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 are occupied by their
smartphones
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 for a long time as a daily routine.in
this
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 essay, I will explain why it can be a problem and
then
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 I will discuss the reasons for my negative perspective on
this
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 development. Today ,
due to
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 globalization of the
technology
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 ,appealing changes in our
life
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lives
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 are not avoidable.
Smartphones
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 as a kind of technological device have become significantly popular among
children
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.Variety of games and diversity of its
intertainment
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entertainment
 lead to allocated hours daily by
children
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. There are too many negative aspects to
this
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 issue.Advancement in
technology
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 is a really crucial object that may have potential negative impacts on our
children
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.
Firstly
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,less value might be based on the school's commitment.
For instance
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,most of the daily hours are spent on mobile phones and there is no time left to do
school's
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school
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 homework.
Secondly
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, too many physical diseases may happen to these
children
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.
Such
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 as less ability to see well
that
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which
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 has
proven
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been proven
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 by pediatric
scintists
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scientists
 that it will happen
due to
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 long-term focus on a phone screen.
Moreover
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, obesity caused by less activity is really increasing among
children
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.
On the other hand
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,some believe that it could be beneficial.they claim that spending hours on
smartphones
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 is not a problem because in future all jobs are going to be online and will managed by phone.But they should consider that a scheduled plan for all activities is necessary for all
children
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 to be principled in the future,
furthermore
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 even in the future
technology
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 and work will be worthless in comparison to health which is really affected by the long-term usage of
smartphones
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 in childhood. all in all,many strong steps should be taken in the right direction when technological advancement has become popular among
children
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. As a detrimental
effect
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effect,
show examples
 obesity in
children
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 is a favourable example
due to
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 its significant increase in the large number of
children
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.
Submitted by ashkanasho on

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language accuracy
Ensure that sentences are more precise and avoid grammatical errors. For example, 'technology and its effects on individuals have become a more important subject than in the past.' This should be 'technology’s effects on individuals have recently become a more important subject.'
cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs. This will help the overall flow and coherence of the essay, making your arguments easier to follow.
task response
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Instead of saying 'there are too many negative aspects to this issue,' you could include examples such as specific studies or reports.
task response
The essay addresses both parts of the question and offers a clear opinion on whether this development is positive or negative.
cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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