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Band 6

People today are more concerned with owning material possessions than with developing friendships and family relationships. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#people #possessions #friendships #relationships
To begin
 with, in a world marked by economic progression,
a
Correct article usage
the
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 grim reality of a materialistic society is becoming increasingly prevalent.
This
 is featured markedly with images of people being fanatical about luxury goods as one means to flaunt their wealth and success. What is worse is the added competition among friends in
such
 relentless pursuits of status and money,
hence
 undermining core values of human bonding. An acquisitive society placing an emphasis on
personal
Add an article
the personal
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 accumulation of possessions can
also
 be reflected in an economy that relies heavily on debt and consumer spending, most notably
with
Change preposition
in
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 Korea where the majority of citizens are getting trapped in astounding credit debts.
Furthermore
, expensive communication technology should be made responsible for
a
Correct article usage
the
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 fragmented relationship of human beings. The proliferation of smartphones and social media means people tend to depend heavily on state-of-the-art communication methods to keep in touch with friends on a daily basis. At first glance,
this
 seems idealistic and promising, yet the real problem is that
such
 alternatives to face-to-face communication often overlook the nuances of emotions and body
languages
Fix the agreement mistake
language
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,
thus
 perpetuating a superficial way to establish liaison with others, one that highlights selfishness and debases empathy
as well as
 other virtues.
However
, my stand on criticisms against material possessions taking precedence over
development
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the development
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 of personal
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
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 is that
such
 a harsh attitude is biased and one-dimensional. It should be recognized that not everybody is materialistic and driven by money and that the formed attitude is an outcome of upbringing, personality, and friendship groups. There are societies, China or Japan to be mentioned, that still set great stores by family bonding
while
 focusing on monetary gains.
Submitted by mainht88 on

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introduction conclusion present
Expand on the introduction or provide a brief conclusion that sums up your arguments for a stronger structure.
logical structure
Use more connector phrases and transitional words to ensure a seamless flow between different ideas and paragraphs.
complete response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt and discusses various aspects of the topic, providing a complete response.
clear comprehensive ideas
The main ideas are clearly expressed and well-organized, allowing the reader to follow your arguments easily.
relevant specific examples
The examples given (e.g., Korea's credit debt, influence of smartphones) are relevant and specific, helping to support your main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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