IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

There seems to be an increasing number of serious crimes committed each year. While some think the best way is to use the death penalty as a deterrent, many people believe that other measures will be needed. Discuss both sides.

#crimes #year #think #death #penalty #deterrent #people #measures
The number of violent
crimes
 is rising each year. Some people believe that the
death
penalty
 is a good punishment,
while
 others believe that different methods will be needed.
This
 essay will discuss both the effectiveness of
death
Correct article usage
the death
show examples
penalty
 and longer sentencing as a form of punishment to deter others from committing horrible
crimes
. The
death
penalty
 is the best method of preventing future violent
crimes
. Criminals will be more fearful about committing heinous
crimes
 that will land them in prisons. They will be aware that certain actions will lead to disastrous consequences.
For instance
, violent
crimes
such
 as murder, kidnapping and aggravated assaults have fallen in certain states in America that have adopted the
death
penalty
.
This
 shows the importance of
death
Correct article usage
the death
show examples
penalty
 in reducing violent
crimes
.
Furthermore
, families of the victims get some sort of closure and healing. They can move on with their lives knowing that a horrible person has been executed.
On the other hand
, critics of
death
Add an article
the death
show examples
penalty
 argue that measures
such
 as longer sentencing are effective methods of reducing violent offences. If criminals are being subjected to harsher and longer sentences, it would serve as a deterrence to other violent criminals.
For instance
, in Colombia, the reoffending rate reduced dramatically after they introduced strict sentencing for serious offences.
This
 shows that violent
crimes
 can be reduced if tougher sentencing
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 adopted.
To conclude
,
although
 the
death
penalty
 is effective in reducing the number of serious
crimes
, measures
such
 as longer sentencing are equally effective.
Submitted by mraha409 on

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task achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the task by discussing both sides of the argument, but it could be enhanced by including more details on the opposing views of the death penalty and longer sentencing. Consider introducing statistics or expert opinions to support the arguments further.
coherence cohesion
While the essay does present clear ideas, it could benefit from adding transition phrases to improve the flow and connection between paragraphs. Phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', or 'On the other hand' can create better transitions.
supported main points
The main points are supported, but some points could use more evidence or examples to strengthen the argument. Adding specific cases, studies, or data can increase the persuasiveness of the points presented.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are both clearly present and summarize the main points well, providing a sense of closure to the essay.
complete response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
relevant specific examples
Relevant examples are provided to support the arguments for both the death penalty and longer sentences, contributing to the clarity of the ideas presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • recidivism
  • rehabilitation
  • ethical considerations
  • economic factors
  • social factors
  • community policing
  • public opinion
  • recidivism rates
  • community-driven initiatives
  • modern policing methods
  • death penalty
  • serious crimes
  • crime rates
What to do next:
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