An increasing number of professionals, such as doctors, and teachers, are leaving their own poorer countries to work in developed countries. What problems does this cause? What can be done to deal with this situation?
There is a current phenomenon that a growing number of
professionals
, like doctors and teachers, are reported to be moving out of their own developing countries so that they can work in more advanced states. This
occurrence can cause problems with the fulfilment of citizens’ basic necessities and the continuation of certain professional sectors in the country
. However
, by improving professionals
’ wages, employment benefits, and development systems, these issues can be mitigated by the governments.
First of all, insufficiency in the number of professionals
is risking people’s right to get their fundamental needs covered in a country
. This
is because,
Remove the comma
apply
professionals
are related to high-risk sectors that are safeguarding basic human necessities and ones that require strong manpower resources. The absence of adequate manpower will cause a lot of people to be neglected. For instance
, 70% of schools in India are reported to experience a shortfall of teachers and educators, causing 40% of children cannot receive education.
In addition
, the shortfall in the number of professionals
can prohibit the continuation of that related sector in a country
. This
is to say, that if the existing professionals
have the tendency to leave, the younger generations may not be able to receive any knowledge transfers in the future or may lack the motivation to pursue the same profession. To better illustrate this
, recently in Indonesia, all radiology study programmes have been closed due to
the nonexistence of radiology doctors, who have moved out to work in other countries, such
as Singapore and the United States.
Nonetheless
, the challenges above can be tackled by increasing salaries, improving job benefit packages, and offering development programs, such
as scholarships for continuing education for professionals
to keep them from looking for better work opportunities outside of their home country
.
In conclusion, there are risks to citizens’ basic needs and related sectors if professionals
have the tendency to leave their own country
, by enhancing employment packages, more professionals
will consider staying.Submitted by annzhr on
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task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic and addresses both parts of the task. However, you might want to add more specific details or statistics where possible to strengthen your points further.
coherence cohesion
There are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For instance, the phrase '70% of schools in India are reported to experience a shortfall of teachers and educators, causing 40% of children cannot receive education' could be rephrased to be smoother.
coherence cohesion
Consider expanding the conclusion to summarize the key points discussed in the essay more robustly. This can give a stronger closure to your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, maintaining a good structure throughout. This helps the reader follow the argument easily.
task achievement
Strong use of examples such as the situation in India and Indonesia. These add credibility to your essay and demonstrate your understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported, and the essay stays relevant to the topic, making it a cohesive and coherent piece of writing.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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