IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society?

#countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
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Studying has been one of the most crucial topics that has been inculcated generation by generation in order to achieve our goals. Many people argue that children should spend most of their time on academic purposes,
nevertheless
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, I staunchly consider that leisure activities and socialization are vital topics which have to be taken into consideration. In
this
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 essay, I will explain my reasons in detail. To start with, it is well-known that education is directly linked with acquiring knowledge and
tools
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 to create more competitive profiles for working.
Therefore
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, most parents give their youngsters the best educational
tools
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 to reach ambitious targets.
As a consequence
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 of
this
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, currently, adolescents spend hours
on
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apply
show examples
studying and doing
academical
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academic
show examples
 tasks.
Then
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, sociologist researchers have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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proved that most high-school students are able to speak more than two languages
as well
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as
Correct word choice
and
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 they have shown an
increase
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increased
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intereset
Correct your spelling
interest
 in all research fields.
For instance
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, in Japan, students between 15 a 18 have founded research groups to create the most cutting-edge
tools
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.
Conversely
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, the term 'burn out' has become more popular to explain why people lack energy and their performances have
plummented
Correct your spelling
plummeted
.
This
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 is explained mainly by the replacement of leisure activities for remote work.
Besides
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, communities have forgotten the importance of spending quality
of
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apply
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time with their families and friends.
Consequently
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, mental health diseases have rocketed given
by
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apply
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an ever-increasing prevalence of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorders, etc.
For example
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,
although
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 China is considered one the most import developed countries because of their
innovatives
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innovative
technological
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technology
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, it has one of the
with
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apply
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highest
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the highest
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rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
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 of suicides.
To sum up
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, most parents desire their children to achieve competitive targets by giving them the best academic
tools
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.
Nevertheless
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, not only families but
also
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 governors should recognize the crucial role of mental health in societies
as well as
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 having free time in order to improve quality of life.
Submitted by luciaagudelomotta on

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task response
Strive to maintain consistency in tenses and improve the accuracy of specific terms. For example, terms such as 'academical tasks' should be corrected to 'academic tasks'.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical and spelling mistakes, such as 'intereset' which should be 'interest' and 'import developed countries' which should be 'most important developed countries'. These small inaccuracies can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to avoid repetition and make your writing more engaging.
task response
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both the positive and negative effects of spending long hours studying on children and society.
task response
Strong examples are provided to support each main point, such as the research groups in Japan and the high suicide rates in China, which make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both well-crafted, giving a clear starting point and summarizing your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with clear paragraphs that each focus on a single main idea.
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